So, how'd I do?

As some of you know, I had a New Year's goal of being bikini ready in time for my trip in May.  Well, it's May.... We leave tomorrow morning.

So, how did I do?

Picture of us at Christmastime --See, wearing
black really IS halpful...

Well, I actually think that I've done pretty well.  My body doesn't look like it did when I was 18, but (to be fair) I'm not 18. 

I've carried three children to term (all over 8lbs... One over 9...) and had three C-Sections.  I nursed three children.  Each for over a year. 

Hey, there are just some things that no amount of diet and exercise are going to fix.  They aren't disappearing without surgical intervention.

But I'm pretty happy regardless. 

When I started, I was 192 lbs.  I am now 166.  (Keep in mind please that I'm over 6' tall, so normal for my height is 170-180.)  I've dropped from a size 12 to a size 6. 

I am now able to run about 2 1/4 miles several times a week, plus do strength training (mostly core and legs, but still....).

I now only wear Spanx under dresses and when I'm "dressing up".  When I started, I was so insecure about my body that I was wearing them under my gym clothes to the gym...

And what about the bikinis?

Well, I'm not bringing any one piece bathing suits or tankinis on this trip.  (I now own 2 bikinis and am bringing both.)

Am I comfortable in the bikinis?

I don't know.  I'm comfortable in my bedroom (sheesh, can anyone start singing "Itsy Bitsy, Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"?)....  I'm sure I'll manage on the beach. 

Comfortable?  Probably not.  But sometimes the only way to make yourself comfortable with something is to just do it and to keep doing it.

Pictures?

Well, I don't have any yet (since I'm not one of those stupid, vain people who takes pictures of themselves in the bathroom mirror)...

If someone takes one of me at the beach that I don't hate, maybe I'll post it.

Oh, that reminds me....

I'm not going to be making full posts while I'm on vacation.  Because it's, well... Vacation....I'm hoping to post something interesting every day, but probably not full blog posts...

Have a great Memorial Day y'all!  Go hug someone who's served their country and thank them.

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Dreams DO come true...

Today is the second anniversary of the day that all my dreams came true.

Let me explain...

Today is my precious daughter's 2nd birthday.  She's my miracle baby.  And my favorite little girl in the whole wide world. 

Her smile just lights up the whole world...

It took years of planning, the breakup of a marriage and tens of thousands of dollars to make her a reality (for more on that, see my other blog www.tykesintow.com). 



And it was worth every single hardship.  Every shot.  Every fight.  The days and nights I sat by her bed in the NICU.

 I'd do it all again.  She is a million percent better than all of my wildest dreams.

My life would be completely different without her.  I am so grateful that she's mine.

Happy Birthday to my bug.

(And now you have to put up with baby pictures...  But she's so damn cute.  Hey, I'm biased, but that doesn't make me wrong....)

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Packing it in

Today's post is going to be a short one.  I was up until 2:30 packing for my move on the 23rd of June. 

I know, it seems like I've got a long time, but I have to sort all of my things and that takes some time (trash, yardsale and pack) and I'm going away next week.  And I still have to pack for that too...

George Carlin used to do a bit called, "Stuff".  It's how I feel this week.  I just keep making smaller and smaller versions of my stuff...

Here it is for your viewing pleasure:



Happy Hump Day!

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Getting one over.

Today's post is going to be a little weird (off topic), but consider it a public service announcement....

I don't know what it is about human nature, but there are always people in this world who feel that they need to get one over on you. 

Case in point, I was contacted by a company in China who wants to hire me as an attorney for a dispute with a company in the US.  I do a lot of internet law so that, in and of itself, isn't that strange.  They signed the retainer agreement but haven't paid me my fee.  Odd, but certainly not the first time that it's happened.

But then it started to get weird.  (Well, weirder anyay...)

Without my involvement at all, the other company is sending me a letter about how they're willing to settle.  And then, all of a sudden sending me a check via FedEx.  No notice, just a check.  I wasn't in my office yesterday to receive it, but I would guess that it's a check for a VERY large sum.

Uh huh.  

And the "client" would like for me to put the check in my account, take my pittance of a fee and wire him the rest. 

Oh, sure.  You've got to be kidding me.  The problem is that they picked someone who's been practicing internet law before there was such a thing.  I've heard of every scam that's ever been run on the Internet.  Well, maybe not EVERY scam, but more than most people.

Actually, their bigger mistake was trying to perpetrate a publicly traded company in the US.  They did the right research.  The person that claims to be from that company even picked someone within the company who is a real person.  Unfortunately, they used a URL that looks like the company, but is easily identified as not. 

I also independently verified the email address of the person that they are claiming to be (and emailed him at that address to ascertain for sure that he was NOT the person who contacted me). 

Their other mistake, is that this is not the way that publicly traded companies do business.  It just isn't.  Executives don't negotiate settlements.  Legal departments do.

The point is this...

The thing that these scammers prey on is greed.  The way that they get over on you is if you get greedy. 

Thankfully, I'm not. 

I'll report it to the authorities and cooperate in catching these guys.  Because I would prefer that these guys not catch the next person in their scam. 

But they'll always be someone else.  It's human nature.

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A day is a day is a day...

So, I'm sitting here and marvelling that I have about 4 weeks until my move date (oh, and that I'm going to be out of town on vacation for one of those weeks because I'm apparently out of my flipping mind)....

And I'm looking at the calendar (as people, especially me, tend to do when we're planning stuff)....

Some things you just know are
wrong from the get-go...

And it occurs to me. 

Dammit!

I'm moving 5 days before my 22nd AA anniversary.

Dammit!

See, now the people who have long term sobriety are shaking their heads right now in knowing sympathy.  And those who don't have NO fucking idea what I'm talking about.

The treadmill

So, I've been spending a lot of time at the gym (in case you haven't been reading this blog for very long) and I'm T-minus 1 week and counting until I'm in a bikini, so I'm really serious about getting that last bit done...

But I digress...

And running... And running...
And running....

I've actually come a long way as far as fitness is concerned.  I'm now running (Ok, jogging, but most people would call it running, I think) almost 2 miles three times a week. 

On a treadmill.

And every single damn time that I'm on the treadmill, I start thinking about hamsters.  About the fact that they never realize that they run and run and run and never ever get anywhere...

Unplugged

You never realize what you have until it's gone. 

I know that sounds like I broke up with my boyfriend or lost my dog or something.  Thankfully, it's nothing like that (and I don't have dogs anymore, sadly)...

But yesterday, I realized how reliant I am on my smartphone.  Because it just stopped working. 

Ah, my beautiful dork phone.  I love you so... RIP.

Dead.

For no particular reason.

**SCREAM**

Adding up

If you've been in AA for any length of time (you know, like longer than 10 minutes), you've probably heard the phrase "progress not perfection". 

I very often have a problem with that. 

I feel like I don't make progress fast enough.  I work on it, but some days (or weeks or months or years), it's slow going.

It is sometimes a relief to know that you don't have to
carry all the weight on your own...

So, it's interesting when I make a breakthrough and finally start making progress that's noticeable.

It may sound silly but one of my biggest character flaws is pride.  I think that finally identifying the character flaw is one of the things that got me to start making progress. 

Let me explain...

Race cars

Have you ever sat behind the wheel of a car at a stop light where you put it in park and forgot about it?  You look over at the guy next to you.  He looks back.  He revs his engine...

Just waiting for the light to change...

You step on the gas... the engine revs... the light changes... you step hard on the gas...and...

Well, and nothing happens.  You're still just sitting there at the light in a parked car feeling like a bit of an idiot.

That's what I feel like I'm doing.  And I find it frustrating. 

I'm spending a lot of time getting ready.  And ready.  And ready.

And I can't go anywhere yet.

We're redesigning my business logo and site but my real "launch" isn't until June 11th.

And, on the home front, I've taken possession of my new house, I'm packing and buying furniture and things.... And I can't leave until the end of June....

Oh right.  Patience.... I'm supposed to be learning about patience.

Yeah, patience sucks.

Oh well, tomorrow's another day...

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The Exodus begins...

I'm on my way.  Well, sort of. 

I took possession of my house this weekend.

And I'm ready to go. 

If it were up to me, I'd be packed and gone today.  But that's not one of my options. 

It's frustrating.

So, what do you do when your dreams are within reach but you can't quite reach far enough to get there (at least not yet)?

Well, I don't know what YOU do.  But I move forward.  Even if it's incremental steps.  Little, tiny baby ones...

Like painting.

And buying the furniture that I need to finish the house up (we have an extra living room and guest room now...).

And hiring the mover.

And moving boxes.

And

And

And...

And I just keep going....Because every step, no matter how small, gets me closer to where I want to be.

45 days to go....

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Old habits

So, I have to tell on myself.

I spent yesterday sliding into old habits.  It's crazy that it happened, but it's certainly not the first time. 

If you know anything about my year goals, I wanted to lose 30 lbs and get ready to wear a bikini at the beach at the end of this month. 

Just when you think you've cut the
cords on your issues, they jump
right back in to try to control you....

I've been eating well, exercising and weighing myself every morning and tracking my progress.  I also have suffered from an eating disorder

And I was 1 1/2 lbs from my goal.  And then I backslid.  Only by a couple of pounds, but I started to obsess over how much I weigh and how I could fix the problem.  (And, yes, I know that a couple of pounds is nothing.  But it's not nothing to me.)

So, I ran an extra two miles.  I went to the gym and worked out.  And I got very strict with myself about what I was eating.

Until dinner. 

As I was thinking around 8pm last night that I should make dinner, there was a voice in my head.  It was familiar to me even though I haven't heard it in a good long while.  And it said, "Well, since you're fat, you should skip dinner if you ever want to lose the weight."

And something in me recognized the warning sign.

It shocked me.  And I called my sponsor and told on myself. 

Because that stuff never really goes away.  Forgetting to be vigilant about it can lead you right back into the problem...

I don't ever want to go back there.  I'm definately going to be more careful.

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Not good enough.

I have this impossible need to do everything myself. I don't know whether it's that I'm cheap and I don't want to pay to have someone else do the things that I feel like I can do (or learn how to do) or if I am just afraid of losing control.

But I've got to stop.

As many of you know, I'm launching a new business.

And I did what I've always done when I started building out the business. I've tried to do it all myself. I did all the graphic design, the website design, the planning....

And this week I got put in my place. You see, I've decided to do it differently this time. I decided to actually hire experts to tell me how to accomplish what I want to do with this business. Because this one's gonna be a great business (Hey, I've got 3 kids to put through college...) and I don't want to muck it up.

In that way, it's the same as sobriety. I have a tendency to get in my own way. I have to let go of what I think I know and let others do what they do best. I have to take their advice (It is, after all, what I'm paying them for...).

And I'm ready to do that. Really, I am.

But it's not always an easy pill to swallow.

The other kind...

So, yesterday I promised a post about balls.  About the fun kind. 

I actually love what Betty White says about balls:  "Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”

I agree. 

To me, that looks like fun!

That said, we'll talk about balls because that's what most people call it.

About the kind that you need to take the leap from where you are into mid-air and hope to hell that there's a place to land on the other side.  Very often with no evidence to base that hope on. 

I've actually had a lot of practice in that one. 

And I'm getting some more this week.  As most of you know (if you've been reading this blog recently), I've launched a new business. 

Balls.

You know, with that title this post could go two completely different ways.  It could either talk about having balls (which, admittedly, would be a far more interesting post) or it could talk about the fact that I've got so many things going right now that I don't know which way to look. 

(Ok, well, I suppose there is always that third option where I write about the bouncy kind that my kids play with, but I don't know that I could get a whole post out of those.... Maybe I'll try someday.)

Got enough balls?

Maybe I'll write the post about having balls tomorrow.  But today, I want to talk about the juggling act that is my life.

Now that I've launched my new business, I'm overwhelmed.  Between promoting the new business, running the old business (my law practice), doing this blog, being a single parent with three kids under the age of 8, keeping up with my house (Hey, someone's got to do the laundry, dishes, cleaning toilets, etc.), starting packing to move in 6 weeks and everything else, I'm completely underwater.

The advantage of having faced adversity before is that I know I will get through all of this.  I know I'm strong enough and smart enough, but looking at the big picture of what has to get done (like my Google calendar) sets me into a tailspin.

So, back to basics.  Deep breath.

One thing at a time.  Make a list.  Go down the list and start checking things off.  Baby steps. 

And try not to drop any of the balls while I'm doing it.  And if I drop one, try to remember it's not a tragedy and just pick it up and keep going.

Because tomorrow's another day. 

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What do you know?

Do you know what you don't know? 

I don't.  I'm a know-it-all. 

It's a character flaw.  I know it.  I have a hard time admitting it. 

It's so much of a character flaw that I have a bad habit of listening to people and, when they're telling me something, the way I acknowledge what they're saying is that I say, "I know."

Apparently, I need to stop doing that.  Someone recently told me that it's very annoying. 

Oops.

Imprint

There are very few things in the world that last forever.  Well, at least for the rest of the time that you're roaming this world anyway...

I used to believe that love lasted forever.  I'm not so sure anymore.   But I'm willing to give it another shot.  I've had some very good examples and if it can work for them, why not for me?

But I digress...

When you think about the concept of "forever," it seems monumental.  It takes a long time to decide what you want in your life that long. 

And it should.

What are you hiding?

I have a hard time deciding if I'm too trusting or not trusting enough. 

If you ask my mom, she'd tell you that I trust everyone and that I let everyone walk all over me.  I think that if you asked people who don't know me well, they'd tell you that I don't trust anyone. 

If you ask me, which (by the way) is the only real answer, I'd say probably both groups are right in their own way.

I am a very open person.  (I know, after reading my blogs, you're probably shocked to hear that....)

What are you hiding?

In a quote from one of my very favorite Disney movies, "I think I'll have a heart attack and die from not surprise...." (Bonus points if you can tell me who said it and in what movie without cheating and looking it up.)

I just don't like secrets. 

In the program, they say you're only as sick as your secrets...  So, I find it keeps me mentally healthier to have none.

Pet peeve #437

I haven't done a good rant post in awhile, so I feel like I deserve one....

If you don't want to hear it, I understand.  I love you anyway and I'll see ya tomorrow....

Enough said. 

Here goes...

I have this pet peeve that's irritating me more and more every time I go to the gym.  I can't stand women who don't sweat. 

Hate 'em.  Period.

As most of you know who've read this blog for awhile, I've been working toward my goal of being in a bikini by the end of this month and being comfortable with it.  (GASP!  The end of THIS month!!!) 

So, I'm at the gym quite a bit.  I'm not one of those crazy crossfitters (you know who you are....), but I'm at the gym about 3 times a week.  And I've noticed something. 

There are a group of women who come to the gym, makeup perfect, long hair down and they NEVER sweat.  Are you fucking kidding me?  What the hell are you doing there then?

They walk around, talk to their friends, flip their hair and occasionally work light weights on an easy machine as to not fuck up their hair or makeup. 

WHAT!?!?!

I don't understand why you come to the gym if you're not gonna sweat.  I don't consider it a good day at the gym unless my t-shirt is pretty much soaking wet by the time I leave.  I look terrible at the gym and I couldn't care less.

I don't go to the gym to look good at the gym.  I go to the gym to look good everywhere else....  DUH!

Which reminds me of two quotes I saw recently that I wanted to share for anyone trying to get in shape that were motivational for me...

"Sweat is weakness leaving the body."

and my favorite....

"Skinny girls look good in clothes....Fit girls look good naked."

But I digress.  Sorry, shiny object...

I can't imagine why you come to the gym if you're not interested in actually making yourself work.  Is it a lack of motivation? 

To be fair, I don't understand the group of people who come to the gym to socialize either, both men and women.  I don't talk to anyone at the gym.  Even people I know. 

I say (or, more often, nod) hello, but that's it.  I keep my headphones on and I WORK out. 

Because I wanna look good naked.

/rant

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