Sigh of relief

So, in addition to launching my business this week, I threw my son a 5th birthday party yesterday.  And it was a blast! 

We did a super secret spy party.  There were supposed to be 17 kids (one mom did call me to tell me that her 2 kids couldn't come) but there only ended up being 11 (including my 3).  What the heck is that about?  Why would you tell someone that you're coming and then just not call, not show up.  So frigging weird.

That said, the kids (and even the adults I think) had a great time....

Here are some pictures from the event:

Welcome to Liam's Secret Agent Academy!

All secret agents need ID badges, sunglasses and their uniform

The Agents-in-Training examine something closer...

Secret Agents need to learn to avoid laser beams on the
Obstacle Course

And clear bombs from their territory....
Watch out!  It's wet when they blow up!

Secret Agents need to know how to find evil secret agents...

And what Secret Agent's birthday would be complete
without little "bomb" cupcakes?

We had a great time, but I'm breathing a sigh of relief that I can now move on to other things....

Just Keep Coming Back!

Bikini ready...

We all make goals... Well, at least most of us do, I think.

And some of us even commit to working toward them.  (Which, admittedly, I'm not always successful at...)

What's your body image?

But what happens if you find, on your way to the goal, that the goal that you were working toward isn't exactly what you need to be working toward.

Are you able to change the goal?

I, as you well know, don't handle change well.  It's one of the hallmarks of addicts.  And I've got it in spades...

Sometimes, I feel like I've failed when I have to change a goal.  But today I have to say that I'm ok with the goal that I'm changing.

At the beginning of this year, I set out a couple of goals.  The one I've been working very hard on was losing 32 lbs and getting in bikini ready shape by Memorial Day (which is when I'm spending a week at the beach with my family). 

I'm about 7lbs from that goal.  And that's great!

But people who are close to me have told me that they think I should stop losing.  That I look great and that if I lose any more I'll be too skinny. 

Since I've always had body image issues, I don't see it.  But I know that I have a problem.  So, I'm taking their word for it. 

The number I had selected was an arbitrary number anyway. 

In which case, I'm going to say that I've met my weight goal.  But I've still got work to do.  I'm going to continue working out to make sure I'm in great shape. 

But the real challenge is mental.  To be ready to wear a bikini has more to do with your mind than your body (No.  Really, it does). 

And now it's time to do some more work on that....

Just Keep Coming Back

Do you dream too small?

I spent the last two days at a conference for women entrepreneurs like me.  As you may know, I launched my new business Just1Group at the conference and it went really well.  There was a lot of interest.  So I'm happy about that.

Are you wishing for small change? 

After to listening to two days of speakers talking about their success, a nagging feeling started pinging at the back of my brain.

It wasn't until I started talking to someone who has a very successful business in her own right about the potential of my new business that I started to realize what the problem was.

Every time that someone talked about measures of success and goals, my instant reaction was that I consider it a success to be able to cover all of my bills without worrying how they're going to get paid.  I've lived hand to mouth for so long that I can't even imagine having enough money where I didn't have to worry all the time. 

So, to think of making huge amounts of money is nearly inconcievable....

But here's what I just figured out (*face palm*)....

I've been dreaming too small.

I need to have my dream be bigger than just covering my bills.  Otherwise, I'm never going to get anywhere.  Now I just have to figure out how big I can dream...

So, I ask you this.... Are your dreams big enough?

Just Keep Coming Back

Learning to listen

Look, I'm a pretty smart cookie (as my grandfather would have said).  And I'm an addict.  So, I always have this inner monologue going in my head. Which is terribly annoying and loud.

I also know a lot about a few things.  On the other hand, I know a lot about many different things.

This is a benefit.  And also a handicap.

There's a part of my brain that, when someone's trying to teach me something, says, "Eh, I know that already," and shuts off.

And maybe I did know that thing.  But maybe I didn't know the thing that they said after it.  Which was valuable and may be just the thing that I needed to hear, but I had already shut down. 

So, this week, I have the opportunity to be at a fabulous conference (yesterday and today) and I'm practicing REALLY listening.  Even if I already know the answers.  Even if I think I'm an expert.

Who knows what I might learn?

Just Keep Coming Back

The big day!!!

Well, it's here.  The thing that I've been working toward for months and months....

The launch of my new business.

This is Goldie... She's the Just1Group
mascot... 

It's kind of amazing that I've even gotten here.

For those of you who don't know, my new company is called Just1Group (www.just1group.com).  When I was priced out of the insurance market last year, I just remeber thinking how ridiculous it was that no one could write me reasonably priced insurance. 

And I've been uninsured ever since.  I found out in my research that of the 16.4 million Americans under the age of 65 who are self employed.  And, like me, about a third of them are uninsured. 

That's just crazy!

The premise of Just1Group is to provide corporate style benefits for solopreneurs and entrepreneurs like me. 

And I'm headed to a conference over the next couple of days to promote it.  I'm very excited.

Wish me luck!

Just Keep Coming Back

See Me

I'm gonna keep today's post short (famous last words, I know...) since it's getting late and I was working so hard that I only got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night....

So, I had this interesting thing happen. 

I made this New Year's goal.  I want to be ready to wear a bikini at the end of May.  No.  Really.  And be comfortable about it.

I'm a little surprised that I've done as well as I have.  I'm down 3 sizes from where I was in January. 

I went and bought new jeans yesterday and found out that I'm in a size that I haven't worn since college.  Wow!

Me and my boys... Last November....

But here's the thing that is probably more interesting....

Facebook Diet

You ever heard the saying, "I'm so busy, I don't know if I've found a rope or lost my horse."

Um, yeah.

That's the kind of week I'm going to be having, so I apologize if the post is brief. 

I was thinking last night about doing things one day at a time.  My life is kind of there right now.  I've got so much going on that if I think about it all, it's completely overwhelming.

I know that the best thing to do is to one thing at a time.  To focus, get it done and move on.  In this day and age, our focus is so scattered that it's amazing to me we ever get anything done.  I think that's why people with ADD do well (they're used to it).  I wish I could say that I don't waste time on social media, but (truth be told) I spend WAY too much time on Facebook. 

Come to think of it, I may have to take a break for the next 10 days or so.  Set specific times that I can check, like.... let's see, first thing in the morning, lunchtime and once in the evening (maybe while dinner is cooking). 

It's like being on a diet. 

I know it'll be hard in the beginning, but it's such a time suck that I need to make sure that I'm focusing.

I saw a t-shirt that said,

"Being a good writer is 3% talent
And 97% not being distracted by the Internet."

Um, yeah.

So, off I go.  Making a list and getting stuff done.

How much time are you wasting today puttering around on the Internet?  Go do some stuff.  You've already read my blog, so you've done the important stuff.... [giggle]

Just Keep Coming Back

How to create a bully.

As I've mentioned before, because my 7 year old is the tallest boy in his class (and the youngest), he gets more than his fair share of bullying.  Sometimes he asks me why. 

And I don't have a good answer.

But yesterday we got a little clue.

One of the boys that gives him a particularly hard time was walking home about 30 yards ahead of us.  And, as they crossed the street, his mother yelled at him.  It wasn't just that she yelled.  (Heck, I yell at my kids... well, more than I'd like to.)  It was what and how she yelled at her 7 year old son. 

Silence is.... well, I don't know....

I've heard that silence is golden.

You ever have someone constantly whispering in your ear?
What if that someone is you?

I wouldn't have any damn idea.  I don't have silence. 

Not ever.

I have an ongoing monologue that ranges from the amusing to the absurd.  I credit lots of it to the Committee, but I credit a lot of it to just being me. 

I don't know if other people have this much noise in their heads, but I know I do.  It's why things like yoga don't work for me.  I can't still my mind the way you need to.  Meditation doesn't work for me either. 

I was told by someone that the great thing about exercise in general is that it gives you the ability to clear your head and not think.  Um, nope.  Not me.

Flip of the coin.

Ah, I love a good conundrum...

I'm waiting for a deal to finalize.  And it's taking WAY longer than it should. 

Heads or tails?  Not sure I care....

While I'm doing all this waiting, I'm thinking....  Which is probably a good reason never to make me wait....

I'm thinking that maybe things would work out better if the deal didn't come together.

It's a little frightening to launch my business out from under an umbrella of an established company, but maybe the restrictions that this company is looking to impose are more likely to hamstring me than to encourage the growth of the company. 

So, I find myself in an odd position.  And one I don't find myself in very often (since I tend to have pretty strong opinions)....

I'm not sure how I want it to work out.

I'm completely torn. 

I've planned and stressed over the deal....  I've worked and worked....

And now, I'm just not sure. 

On the up side, since I don't know how I want it to work out, whichever way it works out will be fine with me, I think.

And that's an unusual and nice place to be.... I'm interested to see how the story progresses.

Guess it's not my plan that counts.

Just Keep Coming Back

Only I will remain...

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."  

--Frank Herbert, Dune

Yeah, yeah... I know.  I'm a HUGE dork (hey, it's a great book, don't knock it...).  But I need the quote to talk about what I'm blogging about today.

I've been thinking a lot about fear this week. 

Fear is, of course, a great motivator of things.  But it's also one of those things that holds you back.

And I was wondering whether giving a name to the fear helps.  Whether knowing the fear actually lessens it.

Let me explain (if I can)... 

I know I'm afraid.  I know that I'm not alone in that.  But what am I afraid of?

Getting a move on...

Yesterday I signed a lease.  Well, to be more accurate, the landlord signed it yesterday.  I signed it a few days ago.  Don't get me started....


Our new house!   It will be the first time in 21 years
 that I will be living in a one family house...
Weird, right?

But it means that it's really happening....

I'm moving. 

Not today, of course.  Not until school is over in June (boy, is that time gonna drag....).  But it seems more real now that I have someplace concrete to go.

I've thought a lot about this move.  I nearly had to fight the battle in court to be able to leave the State of New York with my kids.  And I made some serious concessions to be able to go. 

But it'll be worth it.

I have moved so much in my adult life that I think I might be part gypsy.  I've moved so many times that I can't remember all of my addresses (which was a HUGE pain in the ass when I had to register with the New York Bar).  I'm an excellent packer (if anyone ever needs advice...).

The Handbasket

It's always amazing to me that I can go months and months without much to do.  I'm not saying that I don't do much.  (I'm raising 3 children under the age of 8, so my definition of doing "nothing" is skewed I'm sure...)

But nothing out of the ordinary. 

Just everyday stuff.  Get the kids to school, work out, pick one kid up, make lunch, clean house, pick the other kid up, do afterschool activities, make dinner, get homework done, get everyone to bed, work, etc.  And the next day looks pretty much the same.

You know, come to think of it, I always thought that my life would have turned out more interesting.... Well, it's not over yet... You never know....

So, I didn't think that it'd be a big deal to schedule some different things this week.  It's Spring Break and my sons are with their father (my daughter is still with me).  I figured I'd have all kinds of time to get things done. 

Like get started packing (YAY!).  Get things organized.  Get my name change finalized (credit cards, drivers' licence, social security card, etc.). 

And then my daughter got sick.  (She's much better today, for those of you who are curious, thank you.)

Two directions

I've been remiss.  I didn't post yesterday and today's going to be a short one.... (I know, I know... Fifty lashes with a wet noodle....)

Obviously, not sick in this picture...

But it's been a rough couple of days.  My 22 month old daughter started running a high fever on Sunday night.  By 3pm yesterday afternoon, I decided that it was too high (105.3) and took her to the emergency room. 

Thankfully, we got her fever down and she's mostly better.  Still a bit cranky and running a low fever, but better. 

There are a couple real problems with being a single parent. 

One, no one takes the trash out.  I know, it's not that big of a deal, I'm just sayin....

Two, when one of the kids is sick, life stops.  You can't pass them off to someone for a couple of hours so you can get other stuff done.  You can't pee when you're at the emergency room because you're not going to leave your baby alone in the hospital bed to go to the bathroom.  You don't have someone to take over when you're exhausted from getting up at ungodly hours to take care of the child so you can get a couple hours rest.  And you can't stop working just because your kid is sick. 

And that brings me to today's dilemma.

She's better.  No.  Really.  She's running about 101.5 but the Tylenol keeps the fever down to normal temps. 

But I have meetings in the City this evening.  And I need to go.  I don't want to leave her with a sitter, but I'm going to have to.  I know she'll be fine, but I don't like leaving my kids when they're sick.  But I have to do what needs to be done.

Because I have to earn a living to take care of my kids. 

I hate being torn in two directions.  But tomorrow will hopefully be a better day....

Just Keep Coming Back

Holiday Sweets

I'm baking (gasp! shock!) for the holiday and I came across this recipe on Smitten Kitchen which I'll share with you (because heaven knows I'm tired of the same old Passover recipes). 

Yeah, yeah.... Her pictures are prettier than mine...

It is apparently also FABULOUS with Saltines instead of Matzoh (which is good, because I never eat Matzoh if I can help it...)

I've altered it a little from the original, but here it is:

Chocolate Caramel Crack(ers)

Ingredients:

Matzoh (Salted if you can find it) or Saltines (of course, those can't be used for Passover)

2 sticks of butter

1 Cup of light brown sugar (packed)

1 bag of chocolate chips

Chopped nuts (optional but, for the record, I like pecans)

Sweetened Coconut (also optional, but yummy)

1t (teaspoon) Vanilla Extract (see my earlier posts on alcohol in Vanilla Extract if you're concerned)

1/2t Ground Sea Salt

Hardware:

11x17 baking sheet (Must have sides.  Completely flat won't work.)

Parchment paper

Foil

Heavy Saucepan

Silicone Spatula

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.   Cover baking sheet with foil.  Layer parchment paper over foil.  Place a single layer of matzoh or crackers on the bottom of the baking sheet.  (It may take some working with the matzoh to get it all filled.)

On the stove, on medium high heat, make a quick brown sugar caramel.  Heat butter and brown sugar together.  Stir ingredients with silicone spatula until sugar is dissolved in melted butter.  When mix starts to boil, stir for 3 minutes while boiling.  Remove from heat and add vanilla and sea salt.  Stir

Pour directly into pan on top of matzoh.  Put baking sheet in oven for 15 minutes (Keep an eye on it.  If it looks like it's starting to burn, turn the heat down a bit.)

On another baking sheet, spread some nuts and coconut and place in oven to toast (keep an eye on these too so that they don't burn).

As soon as you remove the pan from the oven, evenly distribute (or as close to evenly as you can get) the chocolate chips over the pan.  Wait 5 minutes and spread the chocolate evenly over the entire pan.  Add toasted nuts and coconut.

Allow to cool completely. 

Break into pieces and ENJOY!  (Mine ended up a little sticky on the bottom.  So, I used a little sugar on the bottom.)

Will keep in airtight storage for about a week. 

Happy Holiday!

Not much to say today.  My sons are leaving me this morning for the very first time for more than a week, so I'm kinda sad.  I know it's part of divorce, but it's not a part that I like.

Anyway....

I hope that all my friends have Happy Holidays and Spring Break. 

More on Monday.

Just Keep Coming Back.

Prevailing winds.

I remember being a little kid and thinking to myself, "I'm gonna remember this so that when my kid has the problem, I'll be able to make it so my kids don't have to go through so much hurt."

Parts of me do remember.  And always will.

But what I realize as an adult is that I don't have the ability to keep my kids from getting hurt.  And that SUCKS!

My little boy...

My 7 year old has problems in school.  He's the youngest kid in his class.  And taller than most of his class by about half a head. 

As a little girl, I had the problem (come to think of it, I still have the problem....) and it was very isolating.  I remember being made fun of for being a giant.  Being looked at as if I was a freak.  Having people laugh at how awkward I looked.

Because he's a boy, his problems are different.  He's a gentle, sweet, mild mannered boy.  He's not an athelete and he's not a fast runner no matter how hard he tries.  He's artistic and bright (though he struggles with classes).  He's funny and wants to help everybody.

Inertia

It's not today's list.... But it's pretty common looking...

Do you ever have so much to do that you get absolutely nothing done at all?  I had one of those yesterday. 

I'm sitting here with a list of things that need to get done.  Usually, that's motivating enough to get them started (if not finished).  But I have my list and .... Nothing.

To paraphrase, Einstein's theory of inertia says that a body at rest tends to remain at rest while a body in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.

Waiting.

Ugly truth:  I suck at waiting.

I hate having to rely on somone else's schedule and their timeline.  It's part of why I work better as an entrepreneur than as an employee. 

Over the years, I've learned how to wait.  Unfortunately, I haven't learned how to wait patiently.

Today's a waiting day. 

I'm waiting for a lease on the house I found (which I was supposed to have 2 days ago).  I'm waiting for a business deal that I sent a contract for weeks ago to come back with changes (and there's a looming deadline).  I'm waiting for someone to get back to me with crucial information for my business that's about to launch.  I'm waiting for opposing counsel in a case to identify whether he can negotiate a deal. 

I've been working long days for weeks trying to get it all done.  And now.... Now, I've had to put the brakes on and wait for other people.

It puts me in a grumpy mood. 

So, I have to wonder what I'm learning from this....  I'm waiting to figure it out. 

In the meantime, it's driving me a little bit nutty.

Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

Just Keep Coming Back

Preparing or projecting?

People are often surprised when they meet me and find out that I've been sober for more than 20 years but that I don't have it all figured out yet. 

Man!  I need one of these.... Anyone got a working one?

One of the multitude of things that I struggle with is the difference between preparing for the options of what might happen in a situation and projecting what the outcome of a problem will be.  I have a hard time telling them apart sometimes.

I think I'm always doing the planning part.  I love to plan.  It feeds into my biggest character defect.  The need to have control over my life.  (Note: I didn't just say, "Control".  I don't have the need to control over everyone else's life.  Just mine.) 

The subset of the control thing though is that I like to know how situations are going to work out.  I NEED to know.  The need to know thing is a killer for me.  I don't like living in uncertainty. 

Yeah, yeah.  I know.  Life is full of uncertainty.  But I work every day to accept it (since it's not something I can change and I recognize that).