Kinahurra

As Joan Rivers said, "I'm really more Jew-ish than Jewish."  But I grew up with the culture and sometimes I like the Yiddish expression for a thought more than the English one.  It just conjures up a different picture in my mind, I guess.

7 years, huh.....

So, what is a kinahurra?  For those of you who aren't well versed in Yiddish, it basically means that you shouldn't talk about something good that's happening to "avoid the evil eye".  It's often preceeded or followed by spitting to ward off the evil eye.  (I guess the evil eye's afraid of saliva...) (Oh, and for those of you who are going to Google to look it up, please understand that, like Hebrew, the word translates to lots of different spellings when it's transliterated into English.) 

I'm not generally superstitious.  I'm not saying that I walk under ladders or anything, but I'm not crazy about it. 

Perception is everything

I always believe that when I'm struggling with things in my life that it's the universe telling me that I'm supposed to be learning something that I haven't quite grasped yet.  Sometimes, that realization is enough to cause me to understand the lesson.

Sometimes, I'm quite a bit more stubborn than that.

But I can always count on the universe teaching me the lesson over and over and over and over again until I get the point.  It's really a lot of fun.... [rolling eyes]

You'd think by now I'd have learned to get it on the first try.... But noooooo.  Not me.  I'm pretty sure that I invented a new version of stubborn. 

Interestingly, that's not really the point of this post.  (Though it is a good point, now that I think about it...)

What is the point?

Funny you should ask.

Like a steel sieve....

Oh damn....

I knew it was only a matter of time until it happened. 

Whoops!!! Did I do that???

I just finished writing a blog post and realized that I had written basically the same post already.  Damn!

I used to be able to remember all kinds of things.  I used to have a phone book's worth of numbers in my head.  I used to know everyone's birthday without using a calendar.

And now... I can't remember shit.

It's awful.  I don't know if it's that I'm too preoccupied or too busy or what, but it's terribly annoying.  I have a mind like a steel sieve....

Now, to be fair, this is my 237th post....

But I used to be able to remember stuff like this... 

Maybe I just need more ideas.  If you've got any, I'd love to hear them. 

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The key to success

I have often said that the way to be happy in life is to lower your standards.  And that 's true.

Ursula.

But I'd like to revise that thought slightly.

I think that the way to be happy is to feel like you're being successful.  Not necessarily being successful.  Though, admittedly, that doesn't hurt.

So, how do you feel like you're being successful?  Well, I think I've worked it out.  Ready?

Taking it off...

You know, for someone who hates change.  I so love to finish things.  To cross them off my list.  To get them out of my mind and move the heck on.

Mission Accomplished!!!

Weird, right?

But I'm happy.  I'm crossing things off like a madwoman today. 

I've been working on this website for the last month or so.  I've taught myself how to do everything (because you should never underestimate the power of a stubborn woman) and I think it came out really well.  I have to hire a web developer for (oh, I don't know) 15 minutes or so because there's one thing I can't seem to figure out but I can do it manually until it gets automated.  If anyone thinks that they can help me out, drop me a line...

I'm so proud of myself.... [Pat pat pat]

Fear of people will leave us

One of the promises in AA is that if we work the program and stay sober long enough that the fear of people will leave us.

I used to be terrified of people.  I always felt that people were looking at me.  Judging me.

Here's the thing....

Promises are a funny thing.  I think that when I heard it in the beginning that I believed that people would stop judging me. 

Um... Yeah.  Not so much.

People are always going to judge. The way that the promise came true for me is that I just don't care anymore. 

Weird how that happened, isn't it?

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Chasing Normal

I heard someone recently describe themselves as "not normal".
Well, hell.  I've been abnormal my whole life.  Truthfully, I'm not sure I even know what "normal" is. 

Ok, well, at least I don't
 look like a Picasso....

I remember spending a lot of my childhood trying to be "normal".  To fit in with the rest of the group.  Which is pretty damn near impossible when you look like me.  I've been over 6' tall since I was 12 years old.  I've grown into it, but at 12, I would've been most accurately described as "awkward looking."

But it's not just the way that I look.  It's the way that I think. 

Why I really love social media

I don't have faith in very much.  I don't really believe in God (well, not like most people seem to). 

You gotta have friends....

That said, I have faith in humanity as a whole.  In the general order of things and how stuff works out.  But it's often hard to keep faith in that too. 

I don't know that it's going to work out. 

I just don't. 

That said, I love social media for one really important reason.  It gives me a view into humanity.  Into the way that things are. 

And the kindness of strangers often amazes me. 

Through this blog, I've become "friends" with quite a few Twitter people that follow me.  I don't consider them any less than the people that I know from elsewhere.  But, in all reality, we've never met. 

And, quite frankly, are unlikely to ever do so. 

But they're the first people who check on me when I haven't been around in awhile.  They are the first to say "Hi" when they see me online. 

Is our relationship real?  I don't know.  What's "real"?

What I do know is this.... They are a real support system.  They are people who understand what I've been through, who I am and where I need to go.  And they stand behind me and hope.  Hope that I will succeed. 

And I have faith in them.  As they have faith in me.

Without them, I would never have made it to the milestone of 30,000 page views yesterday.  And I just wanted to say, "Thanks!!!"

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As they are.

Look, we all have things that we'd like to change.  Times in our lives that we'd like to be different. 

And sometimes I wish to be a princess fairy ballerina...
And that ain't gonna happen either...

I look at my life sometimes and think.  I think that I never intended to be here.  I never intended for my life to go this way.  I never thought that I would still be struggling at this point of my life.


I'm nearly 40.  I thought that I would be settled down in a comfortable life by now. 

And you know what? 

That and $2.25 will get me a ride on the subway.

Too Nice

Are you too nice?

I think it's a problem that a lot of women struggle with.  I know that although people who don't know me very well would be surprised to know it, I'm often too nice.

Are you always helping others?  Are you too nice?

And I struggle with how to be a little bit meaner.

I'll give you an example...

I'm a lawyer.  I quoted someone a price yesterday to review a contract for them.  She agreed to the price.  But when I looked at it, it only required maybe 5 minutes to look at the agreement a 30 second email to her.  So, I didn't charge her. 

I can't help it.  I'd feel bad charging for work that I didn't do...

Or...

Sharp Left Turn

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  I'm no good at change.

But it keeps happening.  Sometimes good.  Sometimes bad.  But life's always changing. 

I had committed to myself to post every day on this blog for a whole year.  And I've come pretty darn close for more than 7 months, but I see the things coming down the pike.  I'm just not sure that I can keep up the pace. 

So, I've made a decision. 

I'm still going to try to post 5 days a week, but I'm giving myself 2 days off.  (Well, off might be an overstatement....)  But two days to do other things....

If that upsets y'all, I'm sorry.  But I still hope you'll keep reading.

Lots of exciting stuff on the horizon.

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Interpretation is key.

You know what ticks me off?  The fact that there's no inflection in email and texting.  Those little emoticons (you know, the smiley faces) just don't adequately express my feelings.

That said, I find that lots of stuff gets misinterpreted when you're not face to face (or even on the phone).  Inflection is SO important. 

Like, when I say, "Sure."  I could mean that girly, comes-with-a-big-sigh "sure".  Or I could mean, "Yay!  Absolutely!  Sure!!!!" except that it's a pain in the ass to type all that on my phone.

Headless Chickens

I work better in crisis mode.  When I have a million things to do and no time to get them done.  When I'm ready to pull my hair out. 

Can you keep all your balls in the air?
(Is it childish of me that I'm giggling at that?)

I don't like the stress.  I much prefer to relax.  But if you want me to accomplish the impossible, give me a obscenely short deadline to get it done in.  It's motivating.  It gives me no time to sit back and fiddle around.

My presentation (for those of you who have been following my saga) went very well.  YAY!!!!

Fortunately, it leads me right into one of those situations where I have a zillion things to do on a very short timeline. 

My new business is a go. I'm extremely excited.  And the people I'm partnering with need me to launch in 4 weeks.  At a major event. 

Yay!!!

And then my brain goes.... Oh CRAP!!!! Stop cheering, genius.  How are you ever going to be ready in time?  You remember that there's only 24 hours in a day, right?

The Calm

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for several days (Who am I kidding?  More like several weeks....) getting ready for the presentation that I have today.

I expected to feel differently today.  I expected to have that same crazy feeling.  But I don't.

I'm not saying that I'm all of a sudden not nervous, because that wouldn't be true.  But I'm feeling quite a bit calmer.

I guess it's the feeling that I've done everything I can do and I'm letting go of the result. 

That's the amazing thing about doing everything you can and then letting go.  The Calm is overwhelming....

Wish me luck today!

Just Keep Coming Back

If you like what you've read, please find a way to follow Being Anonymous. You can either click the links at the top of the page, follow us on Twitter or Facebook. It makes my whole day to know people like what they're reading.

Optimist... Pessimist....

When I have something big going on in my life, I'm never quite sure if I'm an optimist or a pessimist.

After reflection, I think that I"m probably naturally an optimist.  (Not that you could tell if you've spent some time with me...)  Sadly, I think that life has beaten that out of me for the most part by now. 

I've taught myself to manage my expectations.  To convince myself to be a pessimist so that I'm not hurt when something that I really want doesn't work out.  It's my default position and has been for many years. 

But I'm tired of it.  It's not working for me anymore....

Running running running

I don't have much to write today, but I wanted to check in.  Checking in is important in sobriety.  Particularly when you've got a lot of stress going on. 

Which I do.

In addition to this hugely important presentation on Tuesday, I'm looking at houses today.  My kids and I are moving to another state in the summer and I've got to find someplace for us to live.

So, I'm packing the kids in the car, driving an hour, looking at a couple of houses and driving an hour back. 

Am I crazy?  Probably.  But it's how I do things.

The same way that I'll be completely unpacked within a week once I get there.  I have to get it done.  I can't stand things that are halfway done.  It puts more pressure on me but I know it about myself.  I'll stay up all night to get it done. 

I'm one of those people who doesn't like standing in the doorway.  Go in or get out. 

I'm in, so I'm ready to go....  See y'all tomorrow!

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The jones....

Up all night.  Mind racing.  Heart pounding.  Going over and over and over in my head. 

I'm on a big deadline and I'm nervous.  I've got a big presentation on something I've been working on for awhile and I'm scared.

It reminds me of using. 

Not the situation but the feeling.

You know that feeling.  The one where you run out and you're not sure if you can find your next fix.  That feeling in the pit of your stomach and in your chest of anxiety.  You know, the jones....

That feeling where you can feel all of the nerve endings in your body.  You want to burst out of your skin.  It's like pins and needles, but everywhere... It's physically and mentally uncomfortable.  It's why we try to get rid of it as soon as possible.

It's why we'll do anything to make it stop.

Resentment rears its ugly head....

So, let me tell you what happened.... (isn't that how all stories where someone's gonna bitch start?)

More and more and more and more.... Yum!

As my regular readers know, one of my year goals for 2012 is to get back to the weight that I like to be before bikini season.  Actually, the real goal is to go to the beach on Memorial Day week in a bikini and be comfortable with it.  This requires not only weight adjustment but also muscle strength work and quite a bit of emotional and mental work as well.  (Because going to the beach in a bikini is easy.  Going to the beach in a bikini and being happy with how you look is UNBELIEVABLY hard.) 

Anyway, for the sake of the argument, I'll tell you that my goal weight is about 32 lbs lighter than I was on January 1st. 

And I'm doing pretty well. 

Want vs. Need

There's this epidemic in the world.  People seem to think that just because they want something that they NEED it. 

Which is really more important to you?

Truthfully, I'm not sure whether it's just another slide down the degredation of our language skills or if people really don't understand the difference anymore. 

And don't tell me that there isn't an ongoing degredation of our language skills...  As an example, I'll give you my personal pet peeve....

Have you ever heard someone say, "I literally died!"  Ok, dumbass.... [putting fingers to temple in pain and shaking head]  If you LITERALLY died, you'd be dead and I wouldn't be subjected to this inane conversation.  The word "literally" means that it actually happened.  If you say that something literally happened, it has to actually have happened.  Sigh,..

Sorry, shiny object....

Need to Know

One of my greatest character flaws is my unrelenting need to know.

This is Goldie.  She's the mascot for my
new business site.  Isn't she cute? 

I need to know everything.  How to do everything.  How things are going to turn out.  What the plan is.  Where I'm going.  How to get there.

And it's not just that I like to know (which I do), but I'm very unsettled when I don't know.

I like to know how everything works.

I like to take stuff apart and put it back together.  It's why I'm good with cars.  It's why people in treatment used to think that I was nuts for taking apart my boom box and fixing it instead of buying a new one... (Yes, for those of you laughing, I got sober when people owned boom boxes... You know, like during the age of the dinosaurs...)

Form over function

I have a dirty little secret.....

Even though I love things that are considered a "guy's domain".  Cars, tech, building things... even getting my hands dirty, I can't help it. 

See!!! Isn't it pretty???
*sniff*

I like it when things are pretty. 

Whew!  There.  I said it. 

Yeah, I know.  It's girly.

But in case you haven't noticed, I'm a girl.  Usually, I'm able to squelch that impulse and buy the thing that I need, rather than the one that is pretty.  Sometimes not.

Case in point, my new computer. 

Exceptions to the rule

I've said it before, but addicts are control freaks.  As such, we have the most absurd set of self imposed rules to run our lives.  More absurd than you can even imagine.

What rules cause you to say no.  Even when
you shouldn't.  Isn't it time to learn to make
exceptions?

And some of them deserve to be broken. 

For the right reasons, of course.

I mentioned awhile back that I wanted to work on making exceptions to my rules when the rules warranted being broken.

I came face to face with one of my hard and fast rules this weekend. 

Trying your hardest

I know I've said this before, but I need to say it again.  I try as hard as I can to never lie.

As hard as that is, I try even harder to never lie to my kids.  I think that it's important for them to know that they can always expect the truth from me.  I even had a hard time playing tooth fairy.

But I always tell them that if they try their hardest, that it's enough.

But that's not real life.

Because, in real life, trying your hardest isn't enough.  We all know it.  In life there are situations that just don't work out. 

Even if you try your hardest.  Even if you give it 1000%.  Even if you want it with your whole heart.

I guess that, for me, it's less important to teach them that lesson than it is for me to teach them to be passionate, committed adults who are willing to give every effort for the things that they want.

How important is it for you?

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Luxury problems

You know, sometimes I feel like I spend a lot of time being dissatisfied.  I'm not actually dissatisfied but sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. 

I am, without question, too lucky for words....

I start feeding into the individual issues and forget to look at the big picture...

I forget sometimes. 

I forget that I never thought I'd live to see 30.  I forget that I've lived in my car.  I forget that I've had days where I woke up and couldn't remember where I was and how I got there... 

I forget that there were days that I had to do things that I still don't like to remember in order to get what I needed, to have a place to lay my head at night.... 

What I have today are.... well, for a lack of a better way to put it.... rich girl problems. 

Are you your cover?

You know what drives me nuts? 

Ok, well if you read this blog, you probably know some of the things.... 

Are you hiding?

But I can't stand when people assume that they know who you are and what you're like by the way that you look. 

I hate being judged by my cover.  Don't you?

I've spent years trying to make my outside look better than my inside.  The result is that very few people know me at all.  I can probably list those people on one hand. 

I'm not who I appear to be. 

And I'm pretty much ok with that.  It protects me.

I used to love going into H & I (Hospital & Institutions) meetings in recovery.  You walk into a facility where they lock the door behind you.  (Ok, well, I don't like that part...)  And you sit down in front of a group of people who are just at the beginning of trying to get clean. 

At the time, I was in my early 20s.  I look pretty much like I do right now.  Ok, well, skinnier, less grey hair, but pretty much the same....

And I would hear them start to grumble that they couldn't possibly relate to me.  And then I would start my story. 

They were shocked. 

Because I'm not nearly as sweet and innocent as I appeared to be.  Not nearly so. 


But I'm a chameleon.  I can appear to be anyone I want you to see. 

Today is no different. 

My cover says that I'm confident.  Strong.  Capable.

Inside, I worry that someday someone will discover the truth.  That I'm none of those things.

They'll find out that I'm afraid.  That I'm weak.  And then.... Well, I don't like to think about what happens then....But I know....

I don't know if my insides will ever match my outsides, but I'm working on it.  And maybe someday I'll get there.

Do your insides and outsides match?  I'm curious if I'm the only one...

Just Keep Coming Back

If you like what you've read, please find a way to follow Being Anonymous. You can either click the links at the top of the page, follow us on Twitter or Facebook. It makes my whole day to know people like what they're reading.