Who do you commit to?

I'm sitting at my computer at 3:04am writing today's blog post.  And as I sit here wondering what I should talk about, it comes to me...

What happens when you make the deal with yourself?

I should talk about the fact that I'm sitting here at 3:04 in the morning writing this.  (Also, probably reminding you that this is going to be a short one because my kids'll be up in a few hours and I want to go get more sleep.)

Part of me feels a little bit nutty for even talking about this.  Maybe I should be committed....

Except that's the point. 

I am.

That's why I'm sitting here at 3am writing a blog post.  Because I fell asleep on my sofa and only just woke up a few moments ago. 

Because I made a committment to MYSELF that I'd blog every day for a year. 

And I don't want to let me down. 

Committing to do something like this for yourself is one of the hardest committments you can make.  It's like committing to go to the gym.  It's easy to talk yourself out of. 

Because who's gonna know?

Who's keeping you accountable?

Having to be accountable to only yourself is really difficult.  And I struggle with it sometimes. 

But I'm sticking with it.  And for that, I'm proud of myself.

And sleepy....I'm off to bed. 

Just Keep Coming Back.

If you like what you've read, please find a way to follow Being Anonymous. You can either click the links at the top of the page, follow us on Twitter or Facebook. It makes my whole day to know people like what they're reading.

For the first time...

Well, I'm 39 today! 

My cake that my sons decorated for me.  They're too
little to have money to buy anything, so our tradition
is that I make a cake for my birthday and they can decorate it
any way that they want.  Isn't it beautiful?

(Yes, for the first time...Not that I think I'll do a second time.  What's that about anyway?  Why do people freak out about turning 40?  I actually considered just telling people that I was 40 for the next two years and skip the "Oh, the big one's coming up" conversation for the next year... But I digress.)

You didn't get me anything?  Don't worry.  I love you anyway.  If you'd like to get me some more Facebook or Twitter followers, that'd be great!  Or a publishing deal.  That'd be even better....

Oops, there I go again...

I was just thinking about my birthday and where I thought I was going to be at this point of my life.  It certainly hasn't turned out like I thought it would. 

I think that by this point, I thought I'd be a grownup. 

I mean, I have three gorgeous kids.  So, I'm that kind of a grownup.  I pay my bills.  I do all the stuff that I need to do.

I've survived a marriage and a divorce. 

But I don't FEEL like a grownup. 

Every once in awhile (more often recently, now that I think about it) I look at my life and think that maybe I'm just playing dress up in my mom's closet like I did when I was little. 

I think it's hitting me more now as I'm looking at buying my first permanent house (though I probably won't buy one for a year or two).   In many of the fancier houses, I just look at the houses and think, "I'm not grown up enough to live here..."

It just doesn't fit.

I wonder if that means that I need to work on myself until I feel comfortable with those things or if it just means that I should just get a less fancy house.  One that just fits who I am.  (I'm leaning toward the latter, if you want to know...)

Do you ever feel grown up? 

Just wondering.  In honor of my birthday, go do one nice thing for someone else.  If you want to tell me about it, that's great.  If not, that's great too....

Just Keep Coming Back

If you like what you've read, please find a way to follow Being Anonymous. You can either click the links at the top of the page, follow us on Twitter or Facebook. It makes my whole day to know people like what they're reading.

Love and loss

You know what it's like.... It's like you find out that someone you haven't seen for awhile, but that you loved (and still do) is lost.... 

(For the record, my mom would want me to tell you that it's a horrible saying, "losing someone"  Like,  "She lost her husband."  You didn't LOSE him.  You know exactly where he is.  It's not like he wandered off...)

But when you hear the news, it's like someone punched you in the chest.  Knocks the wind right out of you. 

And you feel that familiar lump in your chest.  For the things that might have been.  For the things that you meant to do...

And you realize you're never going to be able to do them.

Your throat tightens.  You try not to cry. 

Because you'd feel silly.  I mean, you haven't seen each other in a long time....

But you mourn the loss anyway.

Right?

I had one of those this week.  I got this email from my dad.  And it said, "54 Vette - I sold the car just wanted you to know.  Dad"

Goodbye.... I'll miss you....

Yeah, yeah... I know.  It's just a car. 

But it's not to me. 

And I started to tear up...

(Have I mentioned that I'm a bit of a gear head?)

I loved that car.  I dreamed of having that car one day.  I'd work on it.  Tinker in my garage.  Take good care of it.  Love it.  Teach my sons about how to work on cars...  (And, yes, for those who are wondering, I do know how to work on cars.)

I know it's completely impractical. 

It's a pretty expensive classic car.  I couldn't afford to buy it. 

I don't even have a garage where I live right now. 

But I always dreamed of having that car.  No chance of that now.

So here I sit.  Mourning the loss of a love.  Mourning what might have been.  Disappointed that I didn't make it far enough in my life financially to have bought it before it was gone...

I know it's stupid of me, but it's going to be one of those things in my life that I'll always regret. 

And I do.

Goodbye my friend.  I hope the person who has you now loves you like I did....

Just Keep Coming Back

If you like what you've read, please find a way to follow Being Anonymous. You can either click the links at the top of the page, follow us on Twitter or Facebook. It makes my whole day to know people like what they're reading.

Maintenance.

I don't know, but I think that lots of non-addicts think that you get sober and.... Well, and that's it.

But it's not. 

That's why there are steps.  Believe it or not, it takes a lot of work on a daily basis to stay sober.  Ah, yes.  The maintenance steps... [rolling eyes]

The last three steps of the twelve are something that you're supposed to work on every day for... Um, well, for forever.

Compulsive much?

Ugly truth:  I'm compulsive.

It bugs me when things don't fit together visually...
Am I the only one?

Not necessarily in a bad way...  Well, ok, it's in a bad way, but it sometimes serves me well...

And sometimes not. 

I think I just like things the way that I like them.  [rolling eyes]

What doesn't kill you...well...

So, if it doesn't kill you, you get to do this???
Neato!!!!

I don't know.... Does what doesn't kill you make you stronger?  I'm not entirely sure.
I AM, on the other hand, sure that what doesn't kill you, doesn't kill you...  But that doesn't sound nearly as inspirational...  Hey, can't have everything, I guess.

I tend to think that if the saying was true, I'm pretty sure I'd be damn near indestructible by now.  And I'm not. 

At least not as much as I'd like to be.

Admitting

One of the hardest things to do when you're an addict... Well, when you're anyone really (now that I think about it)... is to admit that you've got a problem. 

The higher the staircase looks, the harder
it is to admit you need to climb...

And it's not just a problem with addiction that I'm talking about.  (Though that one was a huge struggle for me.)

I'm talking about problems with anything.  Maybe it's that I'm set in my ways.... But I continue with things that aren't working for me anymore.

I'm stubborn.  (Hey!  Stop laughing.  It's true... I hate admitting it, but it's true.)

Look, we all develop coping mechanisms throughout life.  Ones that protect us.  Ones that shield us from pain.  Ones that just help us to get through the day.

But how do you know when they aren't working for you anymore?  When they've turned from an asset into a problem?  When they're keeping you stuck in a pattern that you don't want?

Tattle Tale

I'm always telling my kids not to tattle on each other.  And I mean it.  The whining drives me crazy....

Um.... did you see what happened???
Yeah.  That was me...  Sorry.

But sometimes tattling is good.  Sometimes it's great.

Particularly for addicts.  And more specifically, when it's me. 

I don't believe in tattling on other people, but I think that it's essential to my recovery that I tattle on myself when I act out.

10 days...

Ok, so after 21 years of sobriety, I've noticed a pattern.  About 10 days (usually exactly 10 days) before my belly button birthday and my AA birthday, my whole emotional life goes to hell in a handcart.

He keeps popping up... You think I'd remember
when he's coming.... 

No.  Really. 

I fall apart.  Over stuff that usually I'm able to keep at least some control over. 

You think I'd mark it on a calendar or something, but no.  I'm a moron. 

25,000!!!!!

I have been writing this blog for 6 months and 16 days.  203 posts (I think)....

And today, I hit 25,000 page views!

I can hardly believe it. 

Thank you all so much for reading my stuff.  I appreciate it!  I hope I've helped you along the way as you've helped me!

Love you all.

Just Keep Coming Back

Trusting your gut

After so many years and so many bad decisions in my life, I find that I often second guess myself.  It's terribly annoying...

But if I examine my bad decisions closely, I notice that I had a feeling, even though I chose to ignore it at the time, that the decision was the wrong one.

I always had that doubt.  That anxious question rattling around in the back of my brain.

A million directions

I'm not sure if it's because I'm an addict or if it's just because I"m me, but I have this tendency to go off in a million directions at a time. 

Do you ever feel like you have to shatter your brain
to handle all the ideas that you have?

Trying to keep up with it all feels like I'm shattering my brain. 

Here's my problem.... I'm a lawyer.  (Stop.  That's not really the problem, that's the background.)

I, theoretically, like the practice of law.  But it's not my "passion".   I enjoy figuring out the puzzle... how to make a judge believe what I want them to believe and presenting that solution to the puzzle in the way that works best for my client. 

But the business of being a lawyer sucks.  It just does. 

Some are sicker than others.

Lots of people believe that addiction isn't a disease. They believe that addicts suffer from a lack of willpower... Or a lack of intelligence. 

Some people never get it.
They can't.  And it's heartbreaking...

There are people who believe that if someone tries hard enough that they don't have to be addicted...  Even inside recovery programs we suffer from it...

But I'm here to tell you that the sad truth is that some people don't ever recover.  Some people are too sick to get there. 

Sick? 

What do you mean, "sick"?

Addiction is a disease.  Plain and simple.  Just like any other. 

Like diabetes.  Like heart disease.  Like cancer. 

Emotional relapse...

As I've said umpty-zillion times (hey, this is my 201st blog post... it feels like umpty zillion), I take requests. 

There's more to getting sober than just
giving up these...

And every once in awhile someone actually takes me up on it. 

This is one of those posts. 

I had someone write to me asking about emotional relapses (if you've got a topic, you can reach me at deena(at)beinganonymous.com).  It took me awhile to come up with my response, but here goes...  (To tell the truth, I also needed to ask my sponsor about it to make sure I had it right...)

A little bit of background for those who are either not recovering addicts or who are very new to this thing...

Delicious Booze Free Valentine's Day -- Dark Chocolate Fondue

It seems fitting to me that my 200th post is about deep, dark chocolate fondue... Yay!  Post 200.... But I digress.  I'm sure you just want the recipe...

Dark Chocolate Fondue

3 squares unsweetened bakers chocolate
1/2 Cup sugar
3/4 Cup light cream
1 teaspoon Vanilla Extract -- You can use regular but it's got alcohol in it... Imitation generally does not.

Delicious Valentine's Day - Lobster and Garlic thyme butter...

Welcome to part two... Or, as we like to call it in my house, the main course...

Broiled Lobster Tail with Homemade Garlic Thyme Butter

Garlic Thyme Butter (You need to do this at least 2 hours ahead to give the butter time to infuse)

1 stick of butter
Sprig of thyme (about 1 teaspoon worth) (you can substitute any herb you like here...Sage works well too)
Large Clove of Garlic

Bring butter to room temperature (soft).  Remove the leaves from the stems of the thyme.  Finely dice the garlic.  Put all ingredients in blender or food processor and process until smooth and well incorporated.

Delicious Booze Free Valentine's Day

Flowers, chocolate and a bottle of wine...

Isn't that what women want for Valentine"s Day?  Well, ok, some women want diamonds, but I'm talking about the rest of us...

Say it with me folks... Yum!!!

We want romance.  Not the kind where your husband remembers to put his dirty knickers in the laundry basket or vacuums the living room, but all out candlelight and flowers...

(Well, not me... I generally think that canned romance is silly...but that's what I hear from most of the women that I know.)

This year, I decided to cook for my boyfriend.  (For the record, yes, he did offer to take me out... But I wanted to cook for him.  I love having an appreciative audience...Hey guys, hint hint... If you want someone to cook for you, appreciative will get you far...)

Lots of "romantic" food has alcohol in it, so it's a bit of a challenge... So, I wanted to see if I could make him a romantic dinner with some of the biggest offenders using no alcohol at all...

Why Whitney?

Just like everyone else who is my age, I remember the beginning of Whitney Houston's career.  I hear her songs and they bring back memories.  That said, I wouldn't consider myself a big fan.

RIP Whitney Houston

But I am just aghast at some of the responses to her death.  They range from a sense of smug superiority to actual, outright hatred.

And not just aimed at Ms. Houston.  But at addicts in general.

It saddens (and, frankly, sickens) me. 

Not taking no

If you've never been told you can't do something, you're not aiming high enough in your life.  (And if that's really true, I don't know what rock you've been living under...)

Do you accept "No" as an answer?

But it's really how you handle the issue that matters. 

I'm pretty sure that this won't come as a surprise, but I'm not the kind of girl that takes no for an answer. 

Pretty much ever, really...

I'm stubborn as hell (You.  Yes you.  Stop laughing.).  But it's served me pretty well in my life.

I've always figured that if you can't go in through a door, you go in through the window.  If the window's locked, you might just have to kick a hole in it... But if you want in badlly enough, there's always a way to get there.

And I want in.

So, I'm gonna find a way to get there.

Door.  Window.  Whatever....

Can a character flaw be an asset?

I have this character flaw...

Ok, I have about 10,000 character flaws, who am I kidding?  (Hey, I'm flawed but you love me anyway...)  But I have one in particular that is interesting.

Because it's an asset.

And a character flaw.

Come to think of it, I think that all character defects are in some way assets.  I mean, we wouldn't have started using them if they didn't serve a purpose.  And we wouldn't keep using them if they didn't produce the results that we were looking for...

But I digress...

The character defect I'm talking about is tenacity. 

Rules rules rules

Yeah, today's going to be another one of those days where I try to explain what it's like to be an addict to those of us lucky enough not to be one...

It's old, dirty and doesn't fit anymore, but we still
keep trying to wear it....

I only hope that I make sense.  And that it helps..

Ok, I've mentioned this before, but addicts are notorious control freaks.  Every last one of us.

I know that from the outside it looks like a goddamn free for all, but it's not.  It's calculated.  Well, at least we think it is when we look at it from the inside.

And one of the ways that we try to control is we make rules.  LOTS of 'em.  Tons.

Trust, strength and tears

I know I've written it before, but most of the world sees me as a very strong woman.  I don't know that I've ever really seen myself that way. 

Wearing that mask is a necessary evil in my life.  Like brushing my teeth.... Or doing laundry.

I need to get through my life.  I do what I have to do. 

I am sometimes asked how I do it.  I'm always a little surprised by the question, but my answer is always the same, "What's my other option?"

I don't cry in front of other people often.  I usually save that for my pillow.  So, it's a little shocking to me that I've been weepy so much recently.  Really, only in front of one person, but that's not the point.

It's out of character for me. 

Second guessing

Are you ever really sure that you've made the right decision?

Ah, where is my crystal ball when I need it???
Image courtesy of wpclipart

Do you spend time second guessing your decisions? I do.

I'm not saying that I'm indecisive (though sometimes I am).  It's just that sometimes I look back and wonder if I did the right things. 

It's hard for me to admit, but I have to be honest.  I know I shouldn't but sometimes, I just can't help myself.

I sometimes look at my decisions and wonder if I'm doing the right thing. 

And we're off to the races...

From the "I like beating my head against the wall because it feels so damn good when I finally stop" files:

It's Cub Scout racing... Take 3. 

And it starts like this...

For the uninitiated, there are three races in the Cub Scout year...

The Raingutter Regatta.  Boats. 

The Pinewood Derby.  Cars.

The Space Derby.  Rockets (well, airplanes really, but they're supposed to be rocket like)

Big Girl Panties

Sometimes life throws you for a loop. 

It should come as no real surprise that
the big girl panties come with a matching bra...

Who am I kidding? 

I think I've spent most of my life in a loop.  And if I'm not in it, I'm just going into one or coming out of one.

All these curve balls have taught me something. 

They've taught me to put on my big girl panties and stop whining about what's wrong with my life.  It's taught me to toughen up and face the problem.

A sharp left

Hey, I'm a big girl.  I'm sure that if you've read anything that I've written, you know that by now...

But I'm an addict.  And the only thing that really throws me for a loop are abrupt changes. (Don't get all crazy... I don't like the slow ones either particularly, but the abrupt ones are like being punched in the gut...)

I had one of those this week.  I'll adjust.  I know I will. 

Somehow I felt like I wasn't entitled to be upset about the change though. 

Fairytales are for pussies

I was thinking... You know, I haven't had a good rant in a little while.  So, you're in for a treat...

If you're waiting for a man with one of these...
You're always going to be disappointed. 
Stop being an ass.

For those of you who don't know, my rants can get a teensy bit off color, so if swearing bothers you, I still love you but come back tomorrow. 

I was thinking about Valentine's Day, which will get here in less than 2 weeks.  I heard someone talking about their expectations of their husband for the holiday (which, required... in no particular order... romantic dinner, flowers, jewelry, etc.).  Look if your man wants to do those things for you, great!  If not, it's fucking ridiculous to force him to do it and even more ridiculous to be disappointed when it doesn't happen. 

Which leads me to my actual rant...

Today, I want to bitch about women. 

(Yes.  I know.  I AM a woman.  But that doesn't change the rant.  I'm as guilty as anyone else...)

Why is it that women are never happy with what they have? (Oh please don't start writing to me and telling me how happy you are, I'll have to vomit....) 

Do you know when should you just give up?

How hard is it for you to turn and walk away?
Can you do it if you have to?

It's a decision that lots of friends and family of addicts have to make.  When do you cut the addict loose and let them fend for themselves?  When do you stop bailing them out? 

When do you let them go?

I think that for every family (and every addict, for that matter) it's different.

One of my mantra's in life is from Winston Churchill: "Never, never, never give up."  But, when it comes to dealing with addicts, I understand how and why people do.  I even understand why they should. 

I've had to do it myself, I hate to say...

Ready... Set.... Wait a second...

I know that I probably don't seem this way to people who don't know me well, but I have a horrible indecisiveness problem.  I can look at two options for what seems like (at least to me) forever...

I think that I've probably mentioned it before in the blog, but i don't remember where (occupational hazard when there are almost 200 posts, I suppose)...

I'm off to the races baby....
(Image courtesy of DailyClipArt)

But when I make a decision.... I'm off to the races baby....

I'm all go go go go go....

That decision gets made and I want to have the end result now.  I think it also has something to do with my inability to see grey areas in life...

So, decision made.  And we're off to the races....