Adding up

If you've been in AA for any length of time (you know, like longer than 10 minutes), you've probably heard the phrase "progress not perfection". 

I very often have a problem with that. 

I feel like I don't make progress fast enough.  I work on it, but some days (or weeks or months or years), it's slow going.

It is sometimes a relief to know that you don't have to
carry all the weight on your own...

So, it's interesting when I make a breakthrough and finally start making progress that's noticeable.

It may sound silly but one of my biggest character flaws is pride.  I think that finally identifying the character flaw is one of the things that got me to start making progress. 

Let me explain...


I have this overwhelming need to do it all myself.  I need to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm smart enough, strong enough, good enough... And somewhere in there, I've decided to never get help.  Because that would be a sign of weakness.

Not being able to ask for help is, of course, a character flaw.  But it wasn't until I identified that the underlying problem that I was able to get past it. 

It's not perfectionism.  It's pride.  It's the unreasonable feeling that if I do it all on my own that the world will respect me, that people will admire me, that they'll love me...

Here's the thing.  I know that I CAN do it all on my own (well, at least a very large portion of it).  And I'm proud that I can do it all on my own.  It's served me well in a lot of areas in my life and, to be fair, it's saved my life more than once. 

But it also holds me back.  It holds me down.  It leaves me feeling that I'm never going to be good enough.

I can't pinpoint the exact time that it happened but, at some point over the last few weeks, there's been a shift.  I've finally realized that I can't do it on my own.  Or, more accurately, that I can.... but someone else might be able to do it better, faster and cheaper than I'm doing it. 

Holy Crap!

I can't tell you how hard that was for me to come to grips with.  But it's true.

I have to let go. 

Of the things that I'm not very good at.  And I have to admit what those things are...

Of the things that take me too much time when I'd rather be (or need to be) doing other things...

Of taking care of everyone and everything else and never taking care of me....

It's incredibly hard.  But every time I give up one little thing to someone else, I feel a little sense of accomplishment (and maybe even relief).

It's only baby steps... But those baby steps add up...

Just Keep Coming Back

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