"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
--Frank Herbert, Dune
Yeah, yeah... I know. I'm a HUGE dork (hey, it's a great book, don't knock it...). But I need the quote to talk about what I'm blogging about today.
Fear is, of course, a great motivator of things. But it's also one of those things that holds you back.
And I was wondering whether giving a name to the fear helps. Whether knowing the fear actually lessens it.
Let me explain (if I can)...
I know I'm afraid. I know that I'm not alone in that. But what am I afraid of?
You can always look at the superficial.
I'm afraid of the change that is coming. I'm moving, starting a new business, uprooting my life, tossing it in a blender and hoping that it comes out as something good.
What is it about the change that scares me?
Well, I'm moving to another state. To be totally honest, I'm doing it to be closer to my boyfriend. We've been together almost a year (by the time I move, more than a year) and living an hour apart is damned inconvenient to say the least. I have other reasons, but that's the most important one.
My fear is not the adjustment.
As I said yesterday, I'm pretty sure I'm part gypsy. I move all the time. I'm used to moving to a place where I know nothing and no one and adjusting. I excel at it.
So, what's the fear?
I guess my fear is that my relationship is an illusion. It has nothing to do with him. It has to do with me. With the damage that's been done. By failed relationships. By a failed marriage. By the emotional abuse that I've endured over a period of years.
Really, it's my insecurities. The damn Committee is having a field day.... The noise is overwheliming...
No one will ever really love me. I'm not attractive. I'm a pain in the ass (though that one might be true). Why would anyone want to be with me? That I'm totally committed and that I'm setting myself up to have my heart broken...again.
It screams at me not to ask for what I need. For what I want. Don't rock the boat. Not ever.
But when I look at it really hard, my fear boils down to this.
I'm afraid of making the same mistakes twice (in some cases, I guess it'd be more than twice).
I'm afraid that if I'm not vigilant, I'll slip into old habits. I'll let the Committee win. I'll allow my self esteem get wrapped up in what someone else thinks of me again. I'll subjugate my will to someone else's.
I'll lose me.
So, what do I do?
I take a deep breath and have the hard conversations (even when my boyfriend thinks I'm nuts). I'm making sure to remember what I need. And I'm doing my best to ask for it (which is much harder to do than you'd think....).
Facing the fear.
So, what are you REALLY afraid of?
Just Keep Coming Back.
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