Up all night. Mind racing. Heart pounding. Going over and over and over in my head.
I'm on a big deadline and I'm nervous. I've got a big presentation on something I've been working on for awhile and I'm scared.
It reminds me of using.
Not the situation but the feeling.
You know that feeling. The one where you run out and you're not sure if you can find your next fix. That feeling in the pit of your stomach and in your chest of anxiety. You know, the jones....
That feeling where you can feel all of the nerve endings in your body. You want to burst out of your skin. It's like pins and needles, but everywhere... It's physically and mentally uncomfortable. It's why we try to get rid of it as soon as possible.
It's why we'll do anything to make it stop.
For right now, I'm going to let myself feel this. Work as hard as I can to do all the preparation I can do. And then I'm going to let go of the result. Or at least I'm gonna give letting it go my best effort. With any luck, if everything goes according to my plan (Yeah, when does that ever happen?) I'll be able to do that on Monday afternoon. If I've prepared well enough, I should be able to.
But what I've learned in sobriety is that you ask for help when you need it. What I need today (and tomorrow and probably Monday and Tuesday too) is some serenity. Also, any extra good luck, super mojo or whatever would also help...
If you've got any extra, please send it my way.
Just Keep Coming Back
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Sending you all of mine serenity, just send it back when your are done. I'll go spend my time in the Temple next door. You are in my prayers. From Tokyo.
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