There is no future. There is no past.

Ok, in case you haven't noticed from earlier posts, I'm a HUGE musical theatre (and music in general, now that I think of it...) dork. 

So, if my admission hasn't put me in the category, this certainly will. 

I saw RENT this weekend for the 7th (I think it was the 7th...) time.  Yes, I happen to love the show.  No, I have not seen the same production over and over and over.  I've seen it with the touring company in Miami and West Palm Beach.  I've seen it on London's West End.  I've seen it on Broadway twice and now I've seen it Off Broadway... Ok, I said it already, I'm a dork.

If you haven't seen it, you should.  We actually had front row seats for $25 per ticket (we got pulled in the rush lottery... YAY!!!) so the argument that you can't afford it is silly.

But that's not what I really wanted to talk about in this post.  I wanted to talk about one of the songs from the show.  It's a song that really moves me.  (No, I'm not original in that, it moves a lot of people...) It's called "Another Day". 


"The heart may freeze
Or it can burn
The pain will ease
If I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
I live each moment as my last.

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss

No other course
No other way
No day but today"

They're talking about living with AIDS, but for me it's always rung true where addiction is concerned as well.  And for my life.

It's one of the hardest things to do.  To remain in today.  I struggle with it all the time. 

I make myself unhapy in happy situations because I'm too worried about the future.  And it, understandably, drives the people around me crazy.  It's a character defect that I really need to do some work on.  Like now. 

Why now? 

Well, I guess the answer to that question is the usual answer from an addict to that question.  The pain has reached the point where it HAS to change (since we hardly ever change willingly)... 

And the consequences for me failing to change are pretty high.  Higher than I'm willing to lose.

So, I'm going to stop thinking about the future.  Trying to live in today.

No day but today.  Deep breath.

Just Keep Coming Back

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