Saying it out loud

What monsters are hiding under your bed?

My sponsor and I had an interesting conversation tonight.  We were talking about the way we work things through in our heads.

And that sometimes, in order to do things that scare us (or to work through things that are emotional for us) we need to say it out loud.

It's like when you're a little kid and you wake up with a nightmare.

You needed to tell your mom about it so that the bad dream goes away.  At least I did. 

I don't have monsters under the bed anymore.  Mostly it's just the ones that I create for myself in my head.

And the monsters aren't boogey men anymore.  They're problems that take on monstrous proportions and inordinate amounts of mental and emotional effort.

It doesn't mean that I'm not going to face the fear.  It doesn't even mean that I'm not going to do the thing that I don't like... It just means that I need to talk about it first.


For example, ending my marriage...

I can't tell you how many times I said, "I can't do this.  I don't care how bad it's gotten.  I can't do this."

But, at some point, I realized that I could do it.  I could muster up the courage to end it.  And I did.

I'm not sure if it's only a trait of addicts, but words allow us to work through some of our fears, our doubts... to gather the strength, the courage to face the things that make us afraid...

Personally, I sometimes feel like I have no filter between my brain and my mouth.  When I'm emotional, the words just pour out.  I don't even make sense to me all the time. 

It's like I'm floundering in a shallow puddle.  I can see the way out, I know I can get out... but I just have to keep splashing around helplessly until I get ready to stand up and walk away.

Eventually, I talk enough to work it out in my own mind.

When I'm smart, I do it with my sponsor or a therapist.  When I'm not, I do it with people who don't really get it.  Invariably, they get freaked out by it and I end up regretting starting the conversation and I feel like crap.  Someday, I'm going to learn the lesson...

So, if you know me and you hear me talking about the things that make me frightened, it doesn't mean that I'm not going forward.  I'm just working through my feelings aloud. 

How about you? 

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