Welcome to Amateur Night!

Ok, for all of you who are not addicts (or have spent any time in the bar industry), tonight is what we call "Amateur Night".  It's the one night a year that all of you "normal" people go out and try to drink like alcoholics.  (Actually, y'all do it on St. Patty's Day too, but I digress...) 

Gotta love amateur night....

Silly humans.

It takes years of practice to successfully drink like an alcoholic. 

I wish that there were statistics for it, but I'd be willing to bet that alcoholics get into less car accidents, less bar fights, less domestic disturbances and fuck up less public restrooms than "normal" people with the same amount of booze in them.

Wanna know why?

What do you know... Pigs DO fly.

Have you ever wished for something so hard and been so sure that it was never going to happen that you were a little bit shocked when it actually did?

Who'd have thunk it? 
Pigs can fly...

I'm having that today.  I found out that my divorce was finalized yesterday. 

I'm very excited about it since it's been a long, exhausting road to get here. 

It's weird to explain (ok, so not much weirder than anything else that I write about, I suppose) but in a lot of ways, my marriage took away a very important part of me.  It wore grooves in my soul that weren't there before.  It forced me to be someone who I'm not. 

Suffice it to say, I'm glad to be back to being just me.

And it got me thinking about something.

Resolutions Suck



[Kermit arms] GOAL!!!! YAAYYYY!!!

[whispering in my ear]

Oh... not that kind of goal?
Well, that sucks. [pout]

I hate New Year's resolutions.  No.  Really.  Hate 'em. 

Almost nobody succeeds on the their New Year's resolutions.  I don't think that anyone setting them actually even really intends to do them.  It's like a built in "out".

It's like setting yourself up to fail.  And I'm damn tired of setting myself up to fail.

So, this year, instead of making resolutions, I'm setting end of year goals. [shudder]

Let me see if I can explain my general resistance to "goals"...

Opening up

I've found that as we're headed to the end of the year, I've been doing a lot of thinking about all the things that have happened to me this year. 

Don't be afraid of change.

All the endings.

All the new beginnings.

All the hurt.


All the frustration.

All the happiness.

And I've realized that I've found a lot of new things (or old things that I'd forgotten about) that I like.  That I love.

Standards...

I have found, over the years, that my standards about some things are higher than other people's standards. 

And sometimes they're not (case in point, the bathrooms in my house are NOWHERE near as clean as I'd like them to be)....

But I digress...

I treat things that I own pretty gently.  Usually when I'm done with something, it's what I would call in "good" to "excellent" condition...

I usually sell my used baby gear for close to the same price I paid for it.  I'd never give baby clothes to people with stains, etc. on them.  They're always clean, washed and folded.

Sometimes, I see things that I've given after they belong to someone else. 

And they're completely destroyed.  And I get upset.

I'll give you an example.  I used to have a '91 Toyota Celica.  I loved that car.  I took care of it.  I had the cleanest car of any kid you've ever seen (Ok, I wasn't a kid, I was 18 when I got the car... but still...).

And then I gave it to a family member (to be honest, I had to be bribed out of it, but that's not the point...) to drive.

I saw the car a few months later...  The car was completely trashed.  Garbage everywhere.  Dents in the outside.  Completely filthy.  Torn interior panel.

I was horrified.

And sad.

And then angry. 

How could someone treat something that I had treated so carefully so badly?

I was so upset.  I was so disappointed.

But did I really have the right to be?  Gifts are supposed to be given with no expectations...

So, why does it upset me so much?

Truth? 

I don't know.  But it does.  And that's where I am with it today...

Hey, it's about progress... Even this many years later...

Anyone else have this problem?

Just Keep Coming Back


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Holiday Sweets -- Buttercream Frosted Lemon Drops

I just made these for the Christmas party yesterday.  Thought I would share the recipe with y'all... They're great for New Year's and they look far more impressive than they are difficult...

I wrote this one right from my recipe card, so no witty comments...

Buttercream Frosted Lemon Drops

When I say that it makes about 100, I'm not kidding... This is only about 2/3 of a batch but because it's piped, it goes fast

Tra La La La La --- La La La La

Happy Christmas Everyone!!!

Hey, it's not much of a tree, but we
all work with what we've got...

For today, I thought I'd recap some of my favorite holiday posts...  Enjoy!

Welcome to the Nut House: http://bit.ly/sYopQa

Roller Coaster Holidays: http://bit.ly/tp8Oip

Are you a pooper?: http://bit.ly/tkagw4

The Spirit of Giving: http://bit.ly/twuhZw

Happy Fucking Holidays: It's not only YOUR holiday: http://bit.ly/vtVf4o

The Spirit of Receiving: http://bit.ly/tl9huW

5 Tips for Partying when You're Sober: http://bit.ly/sDWXO6

Enjoy them! 

Have a great holiday!!!

Just Keep Coming Back

If you like what you've read, find a way to follow Being Anonymous... Click on the buttons in the top right corner to follow us on Twitter, "like" our FB Fan page, join our RSS feed... Y'know, whatever works for you.

Can you be brave?

A little bleary eyed at 5 am, but
ready to go....

My newly turned 7 year old son is getting on an airplane this morning and heading to my parents in Florida.  It's his very first airplane ride alone. 

Although I'm sad to see him leave (because I don't ever like being without him and also because part of me doesn't want him to ever grow up), I'm so proud of him for being brave.

I think part of him is scared to go.  But he's decided what he wants (which is to visit my parents) and he's willing to go to any length to get there. 

5 tips for partying when you're sober

As we head into the party season... (which seems to start earlier every single year, frankly) I wanted to say a few things about being sober and going to parties, bars, etc. 

This is particularly for you newbies who it might be your first or second holiday season in sobriety. 

If you wonder why I'd consider myself an expert on the topic, understand this... I have lived my entire adult life sober.  I've been through college, jobs, law school and everything else you can think about sober. 

Booze is everywhere.  I've never let being sober stop me from having fun, from going where I want and from living a fairly "normal" life.

So, here are my tips (based on my own experience, of course) about how to negotiate the world of drinking when you're sober:

The spirit of receiving

This... is a gift. 

Do you know how to get a gift?

I don't mean do you know how to tear off the paper... I mean, how do you accept a gift that you're not interested in... Or that you're not ready to accept?

I always tell my kids that if they don't like a present, the polite thing is to say, "Thank you" and smile.  It's not always easy to do and they don't always remember.

But adults are no different. 

Happy Fucking Holidays: It's not only YOUR holiday...

Hey y'all... In case you couldn't tell from the title, I'm having myself a little rant today.  There might be some cuss words (ok, who are we kidding?  Of course they'll be some cuss words...) 

If your ears are too delicate for such language or you don't have a sense of humor (which kind of goes hand in hand in my book... Hey, it's MY book.  It can go any way I want...) come back tomorrow.

Consider this my holiday e-card/smack upside your head...

[poking my head around the Christmas tree]

Are they gone?

[deep breath of relief]

Ok.  Now we can get down to business...

Today, I'm gonna take issue with those nutballs who get their panties in a wad about saying "Happy Holidays"....

The spirit of giving

A big part of this time of year is the giving spirit.  The giving and receiving of presents is only part of it.  I'm sure that there are people who would disagree with me about its importance to the holidays.... 

As they're posing for the picture.... "MOM! This present has
my name on it!!!"

But it is.

We spend countless hours finding just the right gift.  Trying to put all of our appreciation into the presents that we buy for people that we love. 

We wrap it and wait.... often with great anticipation.... just to see that look.  The look that we see on the other person's face.  The joy... The recognition...

When they see it.

When they know how much we love them.

Do you have honor?

Honor. 

This is the Medal of Honor.  And, no.  I don't think that I
compare to someone who deserves one of these.

It's a word that is most often referred to by military men and women.  At least in my experience.  And, truthfully, almost never by women at all. 

So, I find it odd that, although I do not believe in much, I think that my best quality is that I'm honorable.  And that's the word that I use when I'm describing myself.

I consider myself a woman of honor.  And very proud to be so.

My miracle...

It is interesting to look back sometimes and think about where you were at this time in years past.  It's not often that you even remember.

But today is one of those days.  Seven years ago today, my miracle baby was born.  After 4 years of trying, medical intervention and 27 hours of labor, I was wheeled in for an emergency C-Section...

And then I held the baby that I had so longed and waited for in my arms. 

You know, I always thought that I was destined for something special.  That I was going to change the world.  That I was going to be "famous".

But I'm not. 

I'm just an ordinary woman.

But I am special.  My kids make me special.  I'm so lucky to have them.  They are everything I ever expected, wanted, wished and hoped for.  And a great deal more.

And Noah makes me special.  I'm honored to be his mom.

I fear sometimes that I'm not as good a mother as he deserves.  I'm not always as patient as I'd like to be.  I'm not always as attentive as I'd like to be.

And he deserves the best.  All my children do. 

So, all I really have to say today is Happy Birthday Noah.  I love you with all my heart.  I'm so proud of you.  I hope to be the mom that you deserve.

Just Keep Coming Back

Principles before personalities

After this many years in AA, I've made some observations about people. 

Don't whine about it.  Learn from it.

Most people piss me off.  Ok, well maybe not most people... but certainly a lot of them.

And the people that piss me off the most are people like me.  People who exhibit the traits that I find annoying about myself.

Granted, there are those who piss me off who are nothing like me.  But that's often not the case. 

Here's the thing though...

Just because they piss me off doesn't mean that I can't learn something from them.  So, I try to focus on what I'm supposed to learn rather than their annoying personality. 

I heard once that people come into your life for one of two reasons (and sometimes both):

To teach you something or to bring you love.

So, when I find someone who's annnoying me, I try to stop the judgemental mambo going on in my head (which isn't just reserved for me) and to ask myself, "What am I supposed to learn here?"

I figure, the faster I learn what I'm supposed to learn, the faster the person will go away and stop annoying me.

And sometimes it even makes them less annoying.

Just Keep Coming Back

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Getting what you want

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how my marriage fell apart.  And in that, I have been thinking about what part I played in that demise.

You might think (in your most adamant mental voice), "Well, I didn't do anything to cause the end of my last relationship.  He (or she) was totally at fault."

In case you haven't ever had a relationship fail, let me clue you in on something... Except in very few VERY extreme cases, both people in the relationship had something to do with its ending.

Really.  I mean it. 

Try to be open minded here.  It'll help.

Anyway, I don't want to repeat the same mistakes (I'm sure I'll make others, but I don't like to get kicked in the teeth too many times, so I try to learn from the mistakes the first time...) in my next relationship.

Here's what I've realized...

Changing the changes

Nobody gets to this point in their lives without some hardship.  And every time life knocks you down, it changes a little piece of you.

If you get knocked down enough times, the changes actually change you.

They eat away at who you are.  Piece by piece.

And you turn around one day and find that you're not the person that you remember yourself to be.  The changes take control over who you were...

Sometimes that's ok. 

And sometime it's not.

So, what do you do when you don't like the changes?  How do you get rid of them?  How do you move past them?

Music moves

I know that this is going to sound a little touchy feel-y but I wanted to say something about music.  About how much it means to me. 

But lots of people like music. 

Heck, lots of people love music.

But I'm not sure that many of them feel about it the way that I do. 

I'm pretty sure I couldn't live without it.  Not happily anyway.

It's probably hard to think that I'm ever at a loss for words.  But it does happen.  Usually when something overwhelming happens in my life.  Duh.

And the first thing I turn to is music. 

I find it interesting that music lets me clarify in my own mind the turmoil that sometimes happens in my heart.  It helps me to express the pain, the frustration, the resignation...

But most importantly, it reminds me to stop dwelling on the past and move on.  To keep believing that the future can (and will) be better than the past. 

And I know I can always count on it to be there for me.  No matter what. 

It's also comforting to know that there are people out there who've been where I've been and have felt what I'm feeling.  There are lyrics that have inspired me to go on when I thought that I didn't have any strength left.  There are lyrics that were adequately able to express my anger (which is something I'm not very good at) when I couldn't even wrap my mind around it. There are lyrics that have expressed my overwhelming love when I couldn't find the right words.

For that I am truly grateful. 

Is music a catalyst for you?  What song do you listen to when you need to work stuff out in your own mind?

Just Keep Coming Back.

The holiday spirit

Ok, I'm warning you right now.  Today's post is gonna be a bit of a rant.  Ok, maybe more than a "bit".  I may even use some blue language. 

Really, would you swear at that cutie? No? Me neither...

If that puts your knickers in a knot, click on something else now... I'll see you tomorrow.

No.  Really. 

You still here?  Ok, I warned you....

I don't know what the fuck happens to people around the holidays.  Perfectly normal seeming people completely lose their motherfucking minds...

Case in point... Today's shopping adventure....

Let me set the scene...I'm in Target with my 18 month old daughter, in the toy section picking up a few final things for her and the boys.  It's 8:45 in the morning.  I'm on the phone with my mom (because that's the time of day that we talk) and shopping. 

In all fairness to the asshole, I may have been taking up slightly more than half of the aisle as I examined some Transformers for my 4 year old.  But there was certainly room to pass me.  A man about my dad's age who was apparently very important and in a hurry took umbrage to my shopping in the aisle that he needed to get down to get to the very important place that he needed to get to.  He rammed his cart into me as he swore loudly about "fucking people getting in his way." 

Really?!?!

Now, you might think that you'd know my reaction based on how I write.  But I'm not really like that in public. (Mostly because I don't set that kind of example for my children.  Besides, you never know who has a gun.)

I just raised my eyebrows at him, smiled and wished him a happy holiday.  Ok, I'm not saying it wasn't with a sarcastic tone, but seriously... Who pissed in his Wheaties this morning?

But he's not the only person that I've seen like that this year... And, as the Big Book says, "some are sicker than others".

I don't know why, in this season of supposed good will toward men, that this sentiment doesn't start until Christmas Eve.  As Jimmy Buffet says, "There's a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning...." 

I'm horrified at how people treat each other around the holidays (Ok, well, I'm horrified about how they treat each other most of the time, but particularly around the holidays).  It's disgusting.

I worked in retail for many years.  I'm horrified at how I see people treat store clerks.  They're rude and downright nasty.

Seriously, you want to make a store clerk's day.  Relax.  Even if things take a long time.  Even if things go wrong.  Smile at them.  Wish them a happy holiday.  Their lives suck this time of year.  And they're human fucking beings.  Cut them a little slack.  It's not their fault that people are all shopping in the same 2 weeks of the year.

Everybody needs to just back the damn truck up and take a deep breath.  You want to bitch about how the holiday has lost it's meaning.  Take a look at your own behaviour. 

How often have you not been as patient as you could have been?

You're in a hurry.  Welcome to the fucking club.  Tough shit.

You want to preach "Peace on Earth and Goodwill toward men"?  Practice some.

Got some more shopping to do?  Let me make a suggestion....

Get some motherfucking holiday spirit for goodness sake....

Practice patience.  Smile at everyone.  Wish people a happy holiday and mean it. 

Or learn to do your damn shopping online.

/rant/

Just Keep Coming Back

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Shall not regret...

I don't spend enough time thinking about the things in my life that make me truly grateful.  About how close I came to missing out on all of it.

No, it's not a mirror image cake...
It was a "backwards" birthday party.
He also LOVES dinosaurs (thus the molded green chocolate dinos).

This weekend we had my oldest son's 7th birthday party.  (He had a great time, so it was worth all the work....)

And I was so lucky that most of my closest friends were there with their kids.  It's rare that you get that many people that you truly love into the same room....

As I was sitting there, I was thinking about how my life could have gone a whole different way.... About how grateful I am that I'm able to be here for my kids.  That they've never seen me use or abuse drugs and alcohol.  About how grateful I'm able to be here for my friends.  About how lucky that I have people in my life who love me and support me through the tough times.  That I'm not alone.

Sometimes you just need a break...

And sometimes you're just so darn busy that you can't keep all those balls that you're juggling in the air....

Today is one of those days. 

Today is my oldest son's 7th birthday party (though he doesn't turn 7 until next Sunday).  We're having about 25 people for a backwards birthday party.

Last night was a flurry of activity and preparation.

And in all the chaos...

I forgot to write a post...

Oops!!!

Hey, nobody's perfect.  Least of all me.

I'll post pictures of the party tomorrow...

Just Keep Coming Back

Words.

Words.  I use them all the time.  I'm actually quite fond of them....

Words have meaning... Well, except these.

The thing about words is this though... Words are unbelievably powerful.

Too often words are used as weapons.  Even the words that should be the most gentle.  The most filled with good things...good feelings...good thoughts...

Though, now that I think about it, those words that mean the most are really the easiest words to turn into weapons. 

Changing your definition

When you spend a long period of your life defining yourself in specific terms, it's hard to imagine who you are when you no longer have those terms confining your definition. 

Wow!  That sounds a lot more sage like than I usually do...

Let me see if I can explain. 

When I used, it was part of how I defined who I am.  Even before I got sober, I defined myself as a drunk.  Part of my personality was wrapped up in finding the next drink or drug.  Part of it was defined by the need to do so.

Nothing.

So, many of you know that I've been going through a long, contentious divorce.  And yesterday we finally signed the papers. 

For all practical purposes, we're done.  (We have to wait for a judge to sign off to make it official.)

Not happy... Not sad... Not angry....Just nothing.

I expected to be elated. 

Jumping around the room. 

Skipping with glee.

I mean it's been nearly 2 years since I filed.  And it's been an extremely tough, emotionally draining 2 years....

But I don't feel ecstatic. 

Acknowledging the little things.

I've been locked in a bit of a struggle with my 4 year old.  He decided for a very long time that he wasn't interested in being potty trained. 

Admittedly, I let it go for awhile because our family was in a lot of upheaval and I felt guilty.  Like some of what had been going on had made him feel like he had to control something in his life and this was the thing that he decided on.

Mommy, want to play tic tac toe?
Ok, I'll take all my turns first...

It took nearly 8 months, but I got him trained last year.

At least during the daytime.

But at night, we had accident after accident after accident. 

To the point where I was changing his sheets in the middle of the night and in the morning. 

Every. Single. Night.

So, I gave up for awhile.  I decided that maybe he wasn't ready. 

Playing the hand you're dealt

Big secret.  Life's not fair. (See yesterday's post)

Can I get one of these for my life???

Here's the thing about that though.... There's not a damn thing that you can do about it. 

There are no do-overs. 

The cards that are sitting in front of you is all that there is.  So, you'd better figure out how to make the best hand possible and deal with it.

Ok, card analogy over.

But it's true. 

Did someone say it was gonna be easy?

Hey, news flash...

Gotta love the fair!!!

Life's not easy.

Ok, there are some people for whom (Ooooo, my 7th grade English teacher would be so impressed) life is actually easy. 

But I'm not one of them.  And if you're an addict, you're not one of them either.

It's an ugly truth. 

In my experience of the world (which is, admittedly, limited to my own life), things are tough.  Particularly the things that are worth having.

The fear is worse than the pain

I got my very first tattoo yesterday.  (I suppose that this is a good way to find out if my mom is still reading my blog...)

First, a little background....
I've wanted one since I'm about 17.  I just could never get a clear idea in my head of what I wanted.  And, since it's permanent, I wanted to be sure.

Yes, it really is straight up and down in real life.  It's really hard
to take a picture of the back of your own ankle....

When my marriage started to fall apart, I again began considering seriously getting a tattoo.  About 7 months ago, I was inspired to start thinking seriously about what tattoo I wanted and I settled on a theme... A phoenix.

Cliche?  Maybe.  But it felt right to me.  I wanted it carrying three violets (for my three children) upwards. 

So, I looked on the Internet.  And I couldn't find anything that I liked.  But I got some ideas that got me started.  I'm not the world's most fabulous artist, but I can draw.  So, I designed the tattoo that was in my head.

And in the last couple of months, I decided to just go do it.  I've had a bunch of large disappointments in the last couple of weeks.  Setbacks that make me feel like I'll never be free.  I had scheduled a babysitter for last night so I could do something else that fell through and I decided not to cancel. 

I decided instead to go get my tattoo.

When should you stop thinking?

Sometimes life seems to move at a veritable snail's pace.  And sometimes it jumps by so fast that you feel like you blinked and missed huge chunks.

I'll give you a good example. 

Ok, I don't know whether it's a "good" example, but that's the one you're getting, so tough noogies (Is that the correct spelling of the word "noogies"?  Yes, these are the things that I wonder about when I let my mind wander...) if you don't like it.

I'm in a situation where I'm almost done with something that's taken a LONG time.  And every time I think it's done, it's not quite.  It's exhausting.  And it drags.....

Immobility: How often are you stuck in a pointless battle?

As most of you know, I have three children.  They are 6 (though he'd want me to tell you that he'll be 7 this month), 4 and 18 months old.

My very adorable (and dramatic) 4 year old...

Let me just start by saying that I'm going to get paid back for every single bit of hell I put my parents through....  I know it.  I deserve it.  I'll deal....

But here's the problem.

I often find myself saying something to my 4 year old son (not that I don't do it with my older son, but it most often ends up happening with my 4 year old) that turns into a battle royale. 

He asks me for something or to do something that's relatively trivial and I'm either too busy or just don't feel like it (I'm the Mommy, that's why) or I think it's not a good idea (Mommy, can I run down the street past that very busy parking lot???) or whatever.

And I say, "No".