Nobody does it alone

It has occurred to me that because I got sober so young, I'm not always sure whether what I've learned in the years of my sobriety are because I'm sober or because I grew up.  Not that it matters, but this is one of those things...

You never know where the pieces of your
puzzle will come from...

When I was young, I didn't want to accept help from anyone.  I wanted to be able to say that I did "it" on my own.  I didn't want to be thought of as having gotten what I had based on who I knew rather than on my own brain or my own effort. 

Maybe that's pride talking...

Who knows?  Who cares?

The thing that I've learned is this...

Are you judgmental? No, really?

I like to think of myself as being open minded.  Completely non judgmental. 

And I'm not judgmental about the big stuff, like the color of your skin or your ethnicity or your sexual orientation or your socio-economic background.  I'd never look at someone as less than me for any of those differences.

This hairdo is what I like to call "the Pebbles."
As you can plainly see, it's not for everyone. 
Remember what it looks like... it'll be
important later on in the post....

So, I think of myself as a non-judgmental person. 

But it's just not true...

Ugly Truth: I'm a mean, judgmental person.

Can you get clean outside of a 12 step program?

Hey, not everyone follows the same path... That
doesn't make it the wrong path. As long as it
gets you where you want to go, it's the right path
for you.  And that's what counts...

Hello Ladies and Gents to the one... the only.... the incomparable....Q&A Wednesday! [Kermit the Frog arms flailing about]

Here's the strange thing about today's post.  I've been asked this question about 3 times in the past week.  It's usually like pulling teeth to have anyone ask me something that I could use for a Q&A Wednesday post. 

[shrug] Beats me.  I guess someone really wants to know the answer.

So, here's my semi-humble and completely unscientific opinion on the question...

KISS

Kiss...And some brotherly love...

As addicts, we tend to overcomplicate, overanalyze and overdo... well, everything. 

If it can be said in 10 words, we want to use 500.  I am guilty of this myself.  Even here on this blog....

Case in point, I was going to write this very long involved post about the AA slogan, "Keep It Simple, Stupid" or "KISS" and how important it is for us to simplify our lives in order to stay clean... blah, blah, blah.

But that would defeat the point entirely.  So, let me just boil it down to the bare bones for you...

Learning to fly...Or, maybe, learning to fly again....

I've often heard it said in sobriety that emotional maturity stops at the date you started using like an addict.  It's why addicts act so immature sometimes.

Learning to fly...

But here's what I wonder...

What else does it mess with? 

Being involved with the Committee is like being in an abusive relationship. I know all about those too. Emotionally abusive, physically abusive, mentally abusive.... It all does the same thing to you...

It tears you down.  It makes you question who you are.  It makes you turn inward on yourself to protect your soul.

It changes you.

Forever.

Sunday Sweets...

By popular demand, I'm giving you the recipe for the brownies I made this week as well...

Why? Because I'm a nice person like that... Sheesh!

They looik and smell even more delicious in person...

I call these my "Delayed Gratification Brownies".  They really do need to be made the night before.  If you're an edge person (not your personality, your brownie preference, Silly...), these are the brownies for you.  If you're more of a gooey center, you might want to skip this one....

A lot of my comments on ingredients were covered in my earlier post "Gimme Some Sugar".  I'll put a star next to something if you should go back and look at it for the comment rather than re-post the exact same wording in this post.

The basic ingredient list, etc. came from the same book as the lemon bars too...

And here we go...

Worry Much?

I don't know how the rest of the world works, but addicts have a tendency to be HUGE drama queens. 

No, really.  HUGE!

Gigantic!

My molehill....

We can make a molehill into an entire mountain range.  We turn every little problem into something life threatening.

A bad day for us is earth shattering.

I do believe that the pain in our hearts and minds is more intense than "normal" people, but that's not why we've got so much drama in our lives.

I think its a little bit that we thrive on the adreneline that courses through our veins when we're in trouble.  It's a high.  I can think of no other reason why there's so many drama queens among the addicts I know.

I'm no exception. 

I take what could be a small problem and blow it all out of proportion in my head.  I get myself worried and start thinking myself down a horrible road.  Wanna see how it works?

Gimme some sugar...

Hey, I'm ok with admitting it.  I'm a sugar addict.  On an ordinary basis, I control the amount of sugar that I eat... partially because I have NO self control once I start (can we say, "eating containers of icing") and partially because I want to be in good shape.  And I don't want that shape to look anything like a sphere.

Don't they look yummy?  MMMMM....

The thing about it though is that I LOVE to bake.  I'm a people pleaser.  I love to bake and give away what I make.  It brings me joy.  (And if I give away most of what I bake and I keep only one or two for me, then that's all I'll eat....)

C'mon now.  Who doesn't smile (inside and out) when they eat a cookie?  Everyone loves cookies....

Talking with my teenage self

Have you ever thought about what you'd say to a younger version of yourself?  What pieces of wisdom would you want to share? 

What would you tell your younger self if you could?

Over the years I've thought about what I would say if I could meet myself at age 14, just as my life was starting to run off of the rails, and had the opportunity to share my experience.  If you're a young person, heading down the road of addiction, you'll be able to tell where I was in my head at that time...

I know that I'll never get that opportunity.  But maybe my experience can help someone else who's standing at the precipice as I was... I truly hope it can. 

I have to accept it, I don't have to like it.

Acceptance is like broccoli.  You don't have to
like it, but it's really good for you...

Here's the thing....People do stuff I don't like.  I want to control stuff that I don't control.  Shit happens. 

Hey, I've been sober a long time.  So, you may be asking yourself if it's any different today than it was back when I was drinking or in early sobriety.... 

Already the weekend to me

I've seen a lot of people complaining about Mondays.  If you know me, you know I love Mondays, but that's entirely besides the point. 

But I don't understand why people bother complaining... I'm an addict.  And I don't get it.  It's already the weekend, isn't it?

Fridays are for fun!!!

If you're not an addict you're probably saying to yourself, "What????"  And you're not gonna understand what I'm about to say either.  It's going to sound like I'm telling you that two plus two is a tunafish sandwich.  But to an addict, it'll sound perfectly normal. 


It's already the weekend, right?

Are you the puppet master?

Ugly Truth:  You can't control other people.  You can only control your reactions to other people.

Who's pulling the strings?

Damn!  I hate that shit. 

As I'll explain in a later post in more detail, all addicts are control freaks.  I'm an addict.  (Like you didn't know that already...) Thus, it stands to reason that I'm a control freak.

I want to be able to control situations that are clearly beyond my control.  I want to control the game.  I want to control the players and I want to control the result.

At the moment, I could easily be making myself crazy over a situation where I'm waiting for an answer for over 48 hours from someone who's clearly playing games with me. 

Addiction Rocks

It occurred to me during my run yesterday that an awful lot of the songs that I listen to are about addiction or addicts.  So, I thought I'd compile a list (disclaimer: not all of these are actually on my iPod) of my 10 current favorites about drinking, drugging, addiction and recovery(in no particular order)...

1. Rehab - Amy Winehouse


2. Amazing - Aerosmith


3. Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off - Joe Nichols (Yeah, I know it's an outlier....)


4. Cocaine - Eric Clapton


5. White Lines - Grandmaster Flash


6. Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd


7. Life in the Fast Lane - Eagles


8. Mother's Little Helper - The Rolling Stones (They didn't have any video of the original Beatles version)


9.  Hurt - Nine Inch Nails


10.  Truckin' - Greatful Dead


Please note:  This list is in no way comprehensive or exhaustive.  You've got better ideas?  List your top addiction songs on the Being Anonymous page or here in the comments!!!

Just Keep Coming Back!

Pissing all over today.

Are you really living in the present?  I know that I struggle with it. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about the past.  Things I could have done differently.  Things I could have changed.

I spend even more time thinking about the future.  It tends to be one of my favorite pastimes.

I think about the far distant future.  Like about where I want to be.  How my life will be different in a little while. 

The games we play

We (by we, I mean addicts, of course) like to play games with ourselves

Drinking games...

Not that kind of playing with ourselves!  Minds out of the gutter please.... Ok, well, maybe that kind too but that's not what I'm talking about today....

My point is that addicts are masters at mental masturbation. 

And no addict actually wants to be an addict.  NONE of us.  Part of the way that we try to avoid admitting that we're addicts is that we play this game.  It's called, "I'm not an addict if..."

Are you right? Or are you happy?

We love a good power struggle

Addicts are control freaks (more on this in another post).  No two ways about it.


It's not only addicts that have the problem.  Lots of people have an unending need.  A need to be right.  A need to "win" the argument. 

About everything.  Even about things that aren't important.  The need to be right is consuming.

In fact, the need is so bad that we destroy our own happiness to get it.  We lose sight of the bigger picture.  We forget all about the goals that we're trying to reach and become embroiled in a battle to "win". 
I'm not exactly sure why.

But we do. 

How do I make an addict change?

Howdy folks.  Yes, you know it.... it's that time again.  It's Q&A Wednesday... 

Get it?  Change.... [groan]

Aren't you excited?!?

I know, you've been waiting on pins and needles.  Don't lie....

This week's question came to me from F, here in NYC.  She asks:

"How do I make an addict change?"

Where, oh where, oh where is my damn filter....

Last week, I did something really stupid.... Ok, every week I do at least one thing that's really stupid... Who am I kidding?

Apparently, I should invest in some
duct tape...

But last week, I sent someone an email while I was emotional from loneliness, lack of food and sleep. 

For all of you who have asked, yes.  I got VERY lucky.  It worked out just fine, thankfully...

Through no fault of my own, to be sure.  I'm just lucky that the other person is very understanding and isn't upset at me for sending the email. 

Whew! [wiping sweat from brow]

My fingernails may grow back in a month or two...

Sorry, shiny object...

Where I went wrong (other than not paying attention to the warning signs discussed in my other post) is that I gave in to one of my very worst remaining character flaws.

I know, you find it hard to believe that I still have character flaws....

Not Me

The strangest thing about addiction is.... it's the only terminal disease that I know of that tries to kill you by trying to convince you that you don't have it. 

It's an insidious little bugger.  Gotta love something that sneaky...

The Committee gets itself going in your head and you're off to the races...

You think, well, maybe I might, perhaps... have a teensy weensy problem with addiction...

The Committee gets one tiny whiff of that shit and snaps right to attention.  And they start firing off the excuses left and right....

See if you recognize any of them...

But I can't be an addict.

I'm too young...

Too smart...

No one in my family's an addict...

Too old...

Too wealthy...

Too (add your excuse here).

I heard that in my own head when I first got sober. Most addicts that I've talked to think that way. It's very strange really. It's the only disease that I know of that actively tries to convince you that you're not sick.

And our families, friends and loved ones aren't particularly helpful sometimes. It's not that they mean to be hurtful, but they've got their very own judgmental conga line going on in their own heads. 

No one wants their kid to be an addict. No one wants to find out that the person they married is sick. No one wants to believe that their parent has a problem. But it doesn't change the truth.

Here's the truth:

Addiction takes the people it chooses to destroy indiscriminately.

It manifests in alcoholism and drug abuse. But it manifests in other addictions too. Food addictions. Sex addictions. Pornography addictions. Internet addictions. 

Any takers?

Interestingly, looking back, my first addiction was to books (which I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before).   I could lose myself inside the pages, inside the story until I couldn't even pull myself out to focus on my own life.

Weird, right?

But it was an escape. From my life.  From the noise in my head.  From the Committee.  From the pain that never ends.

Sound familiar?

Hey, I walked into my first meeting sort of as a mistake. 

The short version of the story is:

I was a juvenile (17) in a facility where juveniles weren't allowed to smoke. 

I had no intention of quitting smoking (or drinking and drugs either, for that matter), but I found out that the folks in the addiction ward went off campus to meetings.  I told my therapist that I thought I had a problem with drugs and alcohol (which, come to think of it....I guess some part of my brain did know...). 

The therapist, of course, believed me.  This shouldn't come as any particular surprise since, aside from being a fantastic actress, I got picked up for trafficking cocaine (which wasn't actually cocaine, but that's another story for another day...)

Yeah, can't imagine why the therapist believed me...

Sorry, shiny object...

Back to the story. 

So, I went off with the "grownups" to my first meeting.  That was back in the dark ages when people were actually allowed to smoke... well, pretty much wherever they wanted to.... including in meetings.  I bummed a smoke and a light off of one of the guys in the rehab unit and lit up as soon as we were out of the van...

Hey, I'd have smoked in the van if they'd have let me.... I'm an addict.

I really didn't have any intention of going in.  But I realized that I needed to make a good show for the counselor who was with us so that I could keep smoking...

So, I went in.  With an attitude that this was bullshit.  That I was just playing at being an addict.  That these people needed help.

But not me. 

I was just fine. 

I remember taking my seat and lighting another cigarette.  I remember the moment that I looked at the podium at the front of the room as the meeting was called to begin. 

On the podium, there was a single sign which, frankly, looked as if it had been done as a high school woodshop project.  And it shocked me.

It said:

You Are Not Alone.

And I silently started to cry....


Just Keep Coming Back

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Losing...

Sunday is usually my "You might be an addict if...:" post.  But I just couldn't decide what to do about today. 

I didn't want to write a 9/11 post.  I still don't.  I lost friends that day.  I live in NYC.  Pretty much everyone's who lives here's life was personally touched.  Our lives changed forever.

But I don't want to write a 9/11 post.  It's been done.  (And then some...)

I decided to compromise instead.  Here's the post I wrote:

Addicts know about loss.  Better than most people will ever understand. 

We live a high risk life.

They call it HALT for a reason.

HALT Dammit!  HALT!

You know, after this many years sober, I shouldn't screw things up anymore. 

No.  Before you ask, I didn't use....

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.  I'm human.  I screw stuff up all the time.

Like today.

Why Anonymous?

You might think that this is a strange post coming from someone who just broke their anonymity that they'd held for over 20 years to... Well, to the world...

But there are valid reasons that most people in recovery keep their identities anonymous. 

When you're new in sobriety, you get what us "old timers" like to call, "pink cloud syndrome".  You think that the world is a beautiful, safe, happy place.

You've learned some things by getting sober and you're just SO damn happy...

So happy that sunshine and rainbows and puppies and lollipops just fly out of your ass.... Actually, nix the lollipops.... That would be gross. And painful, now that I think of it....

The first one's the hardest...

In honor of my sons' first day of school today (2nd grade and Pre-K), I thought I'd talk about firsts...

If you ask me (which, since you're reading this.... you kinda did), the first anything is the hardest. 

First day of school.... Ready to make the jump...

The first day on a diet...

The first day of school...

The first baby....

And definately, without a question, the first day of sobriety.

People are sometimes impressed at my 21 years of sobriety.  I don't think it's that big of a deal.  I only stayed sober today.  All those todays just added up. 

Can you ever be "cured"?

Um....





NO!







(Wow! Some people and their sense of humor...Click here for the real post)

Can you ever be "cured"? (really...)

Hi.  [grinning and waving]

Sorry about that.  Actually....no I'm not.  I thought it was damn funny.  I actually considered writing, "Um....NO!  Ok, see y'all again tomorrow!)  [snort of laughter]

But I figured that someone might want more explanation than that....

See how nice I am?

So, back to the post. 

[cue announcer voice]

Welcome to Q&A Wednesday, where you ask a question and I give you my admittedly unscientific opinion on what the answer is.

Today's question comes to us from New York City.  T asks: "Are you an addict forever or can you be cured?"

As I said in my earlier post.... No.  You can't be cured.

Wait, wait, wait.  Sheesh! 

Hate to break it to you....But there is no magic pill...

There are plenty of people who claim that there are cures for addiction or alcoholism or that they've been cured.  I don't believe it, but if they do, that's great.  More power to them.

Personally, I don't believe that there is a cure.  I think that once you're an addict, you're an addict until the day you die. 

Here's why...

Drunk dreams

[cue dream sequence lighting and music]

You're having this fantastic dream.  You're at a great party.  And you're the life of the party.  Everyone wants to hear what you have to say and you're the center of attention (in a good way, not the way you actually were, of course). 

You are having a wonderful time.  It seems so real. 

Wonder what they're dreaming about...

The dream continues....You have self-confidence and you're having the time of your life.  You look down for a moment and you see a drink in your hand.  It doesn't click.  You see yourself bring the drink to your lips and drink it.  It tastes absolutely delicious....

[tire screeching noise]

You wake up in an absolute PANIC....

Because you're sober.

Hair Trigger....

It seems like I've been doing a lot of talking to people about triggers lately.  If you're not an addict, it's entirely likely that you have NO idea what the heck a trigger is.

Don't sweat it.  I'm nothing if not helpful...

Bang!  What's your favorite trigger?

The short version is that a trigger is the thing that clicks something in an addict to cause them to want to use. 

For many people, it's the smell of their favorite liquor on someone's breath.... Or a television ad that shows people enjoying your favorite frosty beverage....Or driving past the turn off in the road going to your dealer's house.


I don't really have the same triggers that I used to have.  I don't care if people around me drink.  I'm not a big fan of using drugs, but I don't care if I'm with someone who's high provided I don't have to see it or smell it.

Even though I don't have the kind of triggers that I first did when I got clean, every once in awhile, there's that smell, taste, sound or photograph that brings me right back. 

You might be an addict if... (Part 2)

You might be an addict:

Little tip:  There's no such thing as
"recreational" heroin use...

• If you think that you're only doing heroin recreationally.

• If you can't understand why people drink if there's not enough to get drunk.

Will I lose all my friends if I get sober?

Yeah, yeah.... I know.  I said Q&A Wednesday.  But in alcoholic time, sometimes that means Saturday.  If you've got a problem with my time management skills, come back and read this on Wednesday....

[sticking out tongue]
So, I put out there to my friends, family and Facebook followers (Oooo, look.  Alliteration! I'm a dork, deal.) to let me know if there was a question that they had about addicts, addiction or getting clean and sober that they'd like to hear my take on. 

One of the answers (actually, I guess it would be questions) was from a friend of mine who is newly sober.  He's noticed that a lot of his friends (or at least people he considered friends) are slipping away now that he's no longer drinking.  He wanted to know if that was a common experience.

The answer is simple.

Fortune Cookies and Experience

I've established this already, but I'm a bit of a dork.  Read yesterday's post if you don't believe me.

Yummy fortune cookie goodness...

Also, I don't believe in a whole lot.  I'm not big on faith (at least not what most people call faith... You know, the kind that requires going to another physical location to communicate with a god). 

I am a bit superstitious though....

Yeah, I know.  It doesn't make sense, but so much of my life doesn't.... Just go with it.

Be who you are

It's hard for me to admit it, but I'm not who I appear to be.  I've spent most of my life hiding who I am. 

Not just that I'm an addict. 

But much tougher stuff. 

I've spent my life trying to fit in.  To be accepted.

But I can't fit in.  I'm the original square peg when there are only round holes in this world. 

I don't remember ever not being "different."