A little oppositional behaviour never hurts... Or does it?

Um, I don't know how to say this but I've got some oppositional behaviour issues. 

Hey.  You.  Yes, I mean you.  Stop falling on the floor laughing. [stomping my foot]

Truthfully though, anyone who knows me for any length of time knows that I absolutely can't abide being told what to do.  I like to do what I think is best.

Yup.  That's me.  Not as little or round or purple perhaps,
but definately me.

I know.  I know.  I'm sugar coating it.  That I have "oppositional behaviour issues" is what they used to say about me in grade school. 

The ugly truth is that I'm stubborn. 

Not just a little stubborn.  A lot stubborn.

No matter where I go... There I am

Ugly Truth:  Addicts are not big on taking responsibility for their own problems (both addiction related and otherwise).

And we're responsible for almost all of them.  Almost all are of our own making...

But the sentence that goes through our mind when we think about our lives is, "Well, if this one thing would just happen, everything would be ok."

On the road again....

One of the most common manefestations of that thinking is what I like to call "the geographic switcheroo".  It consists of running (though, since we're masters at mental masturbation, we like to think of it as moving) to another place. 

Where no one knows us.  Where we think our triggers won't exist.  Where everything is new and shiny and different.

Truth be told,  I did it myself a couple of times in early sobriety. 

But here's the problem....

Shit Happens

Um, yeah.  So, I know I promised to keep it clean for all of you who are offended by foul language, but I felt like I couldn't pass up the opportunity to bookend this fantastic hurricane weekend by doing a companion piece to Friday's post, "The F#@$-its."

Really?  Does it need a caption.  Pretty much says it all...

So, I lied.  There's gonna be a lot of swearing in today's post (as if you hadn't already gleaned that from the title....)

So if you're easily offended, please stop reading.  If you continue, and you're offended by the language, I suggest that you take it up with your priest, rabbi, guru or therapist.  And come back tomorrow....

You might be an addict if..... (Hurricane Edition)

It's early in the day, but I want to get this scheduled to post on time tomorrow in case I don't have power by then....  Good wishes to all my friends in the path of the storm...

 

You might be an addict if....

• Your first thought when you hear that there's going to be a hurricane is, "I'd better get to the liquor store right away."

• You're willing to wait in line at the liquor store for more than an hour, but you whine about spending 15 minutes in line at the grocery store.

• Your first call is to your dealer to make sure he can stop by before the storm.

• You only want to get to the store to buy coffee and wine.

• You can remember where all your pill stashes are, but you can't remember where the hurricane evacuation center is....And it's your old high school.

• You think that liquor stores are pussies for closing during the hurricane.

• While evacuating, you take the baby seat out of the car to make room for the booze bottles.

• You see the hurricane as "just another thunderstorm" but when you survey the damage later, you think, "I promise next time will be different."

• You spend hours out shopping for provisions for the storm, come home and realize all you've bought are different kinds of booze.

 

Happy Sunday!!! (Thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for the concept and to my friends on Twitter and off for their suggestions.)

  

Just Keep Coming Back

 

 

Hurricane Hiatus



That's one heck of a swirl...

So, I know I've committed to do a post every single day but, thanks to Irene, I'm a displaced person.  I evacuated yesterday at 2pm. 

Can I just say how much addicts hate changing their lives on a dime like this?  Throwing things in a bag, putting the kids in the car and going.  No planning... nothing.

Oh well.  Guess a girl's gotta do what a girl's got to do....

More tomorrow...

Be safe.

Just Keep Coming Back

The F*&%-its

Let me start out by saying that if you have a problem with the word "fuck", then this is not the blog post for you.  Please come back tomorrow when I won't be using the word "fuck" in pretty much every sentence of the post. 

I really do love you and appreciate you showing up, but you're gonna be unhappy if you're not comfortable with the use of that particular expletive. (Yes, I'm keeping my promise of dictionary links when I use big words.)  So, I'll see you tomorrow.  Ok?

Are they still here?

Pssst....Are they gone?

[peering around corner]  Good. 

Whew!

Sick and tired of being sick and tired



Sometimes you've just got to take a deep breath
and walk through the door.

Ugly Truth: I HATE change. 

All addicts do.

We avoid it like the plague.  We would rather live in pain and misery than face up to change.

It's why it takes us so damn long to get sober in the first place. 

5 ways you can tell if you're an addict (Part 5)

5 glasses

Ok, faithful readers.

We've come to the end of the series. 

Stop that.  I can hear you breathing a collective sigh of relief.  And it's rude.  (Just kidding.  Well, kind of...)

You've managed to dismiss Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 think you've dodged the bullet.  But you haven't heard the all important fifth way you know you're an addict.

You ready?

5 ways you can tell if you're an addict (Part 4)



FOUR

I actually find it a little frightening that I tried to figure out what
drink this might be...

Hey again!

It's your friendly neighborhood killjoy... 

I always feel like I'm spoiling someone's fun when I tell other people that they have a problem.  That said, I'm still going to do it mostly because it needs to be done.  Feel free to read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 of this series to see how I've already spoiled the fun... [evil chuckle]

Maybe it'd be better if it had a cool superhero-type name.....

Like Killjoy Kate....

[Chest thrust out, cape blowing in the wind as the theme song plays... *da da da duh*]

5 ways you can tell if you're an addict (Part 3)

[Read in Walter Cronkite voice]

Welcome to Part 3 in our very scientific series, "5 ways you can tell if you're an addict."  If you've missed part 1 or part 2, I would suggest you read them immediately.

[My voice] (Yeah, because you wouldn't have been able to tell from the next paragraph. [snickering])

Well, of course, I'd suggest that you read them.  Duh.  Shouldn't come as a shock to anyone.  I wrote them.  I think that they're fascinating examples of my true cutting wit and intellectual prowess. 

[cue hysterical laugh track] (Have I mentioned that I was a theatre major? Yeah, I actually think with stage directions.  You'll get used to it.  Or you'll stop reading, I guess...)

Three...Tres...Trois...Get it yet?

Nah, but I think they're pretty good.  And if you need even more humor, try yesterday's post: "You might be an addict if..." 

You might be an addict if...

You might be an addict if:

• You walk into a liquor store and the clerk asks if you want "your usual."

• You go to more than one liquor store because you don't want anyone to know how much you're buying.

• You wake up and wish you couldn't remember the night before.

• You go out with a guy you don't like because he might order wine with dinner.

• You want the family to go to bed at 6pm so you can drink like you want to.

5 ways you can tell if you're an addict (Part 2)

The second in our (utterly unscientific but pretty likely anyway) list of ways that you can tell if you're an addict. 

A couple of things to clear up first....

I'm not affiliated with any 12 step program.  I did get sober in them and I love them but what I write is only my opinion and experience.

Also, this is in NO way an exhaustive list of ways that you can determine if you're an addict.  Also, if they don't apply to you, that doesn't necessarily make you not an addict.  These are just red flags.  Don't get too excited if you can say that you don't have them...

And on with the show....

5 ways you can tell if you're an addict (Part 1)

If even just looking at this picture makes you crave a drink....
Do I need to say it?

This post, although true, is pretty tongue in cheek.  If you're easily offended, get a grip.... Sorry, I mean, stop reading please. 

Hi.  Glad to have the rest of you with me on this fun trip into the fascinating world of addiction.

It must be a situational hazard, but I get asked all the time by people if I think that they're an addict.  Odd, I know.  Even I think it's odd.

I mean, how the heck would I know?  What am I?  The addiction goddess?  Sheesh!

Asking for help



Yeah, yeah.  I know.  I couldn't help it.
He was just so cute.  And no, he's not one of mine.

Ugly truth:  I can't ask for help.

I believe I can do everything, all by myself.  And while I'm capable of doing most things by myself, it has been one of the great challenges of my life to be willing to accept help from others and [*gasp*] even ask for help when I need it.

I completely suck at both.

First, I'm so used to doing everything by myself, that when someone wants to help me, I either question their motives or am so uncomfortable with feeling that I am "owing" someone else anything that I refuse the help.

Even from the people who love me and want to help me the most.

Are there "levels" of being an addict?

So, it's Q&A Wednesday (That's what I've decided to call it, roll with it...).

I was asked the following question:

"Are there 'levels' of addiction?"

I wrote it down when they asked me and didn't think about the question enough.  When I opened my notebook to see what questions I had, I realized that I didn't exactly understand the question.  Ok, so probably I should have asked follow up questions, but it's too late for that....

Sorry, shiny object....

What I think they were asking is whether there are people who are "kinda" addicts. 

In my opinion, addiction is a binary state.  Like being pregnant, you either are.  Or you are not.  There's no grey area.  Of course, that's typical for me. 

That said, I think it's probably true.

Messing with my mind.

Are you good at convincing people of what you want them to believe?  Most addicts are.  It's how we survived while using for as long as we did. 

We're chameleons.  We blend to suit our situation.

Personally, I can convince people of almost anything.  It's why I make a good attorney.  (Yeah, yeah... Insert an appropriate apology here...) 

I don't ever lie, but I tend to speak with an authoritative tone.  Even about things I'm not sure about.  I used to have one person who would ask me all the time when I gave an opinion that sounded like fact, "Do you KNOW that, or are you guessing?" (Usually, I'm guessing.  I really don't know that much...)

Not only can I convince other people of almost anything, I can convince myself too. 

And that's a problem.

Child-like or childish?

Gotta love an enormous teddy!
This is Hugh (short for Huge).
And he is...He's 53" tall...

Here's a thought for you:

There's a huge difference between child-like and childish.

Mull that over for a moment.

Which one are you?

All addicts are terribly immature people.  At least emotionally...

We're childish and self centered.  It's only about us.  About getting the next drink, the next drug, the next fix...  We throw temper tantrums when we don't get our way.  We whine about how we have to use and that you would too if you had our life....

It's often said that emotional growth stops for an addict when they start using.  It stunts your growth right there.  And it holds you there the whole time that you're using.

It's only once you get clean (and the fog begins to lift) that you begin to mature emotionally again. 

I worried when I first got sober that being sober "forever" would mean that I'd be a huge stick in the mud, boring as watching paint dry and that my life was over. 

At 17.

Obsessive Ob-shmessive

The After of the basement....Wish I had remembered to take a
before picture.  Just to give you an idea, you couldn't walk
past where the red carpet ends.

I have absolutely no ability to do things halfway.  I only see things in black and white. 

And when I make a decision, I want it to happen NOW!

[sigh] But I'm otherwise a very patient and rational person...

*rolling eyes*

So, here's the thing.  I really want to move.  Now.  But for reasons completely beyond my control, I can't. 

It's making me very annoyed. 

In case I haven't already identified myself as a sick puppy, this one's gonna clinch it for you....

I love moving. 
I love packing. 
I love separating the wheat from the chaff and throwing mountains of stuff I don't need away.
I love starting with the blank slate of a new place and putting all my things away.
I love how it always looks so neat and uncluttered.

I know.  I told you.  I'm sick.

The Addiction Cha Cha

I've hinted at this before, but alchohol and drugs weren't my first addictions.  My very first addiction was to books. 

Ah, books.  My old friends...

I know, that sounds ridiculous, but think about it. 

Addiction is about escaping.  It's about escaping the Committee and all that they bring with them. 

When I read, I don't just read.  I get lost. 

Completely lost.

I've been known to read an 800 page book in a day.  I don't get up to eat.  I don't go to sleep.  I don't hear the phone, the door, my kids. 

I don't do anything else.

The -ism



 This post is taking me a while to write, but it's the entire reason that I wanted to start writing about addiction. I want to be able to explain, in terms non-addicts can understand, what goes on in the mind of an addict.

I'm going to say a bunch of things in this series of posts (because it's really WAY too much information to put in a single post) that, if you're not an addict, you're not going to understand instinctively.

You're going to think that I'm putting you on. It sounds crazy. I must be joking about some of it.

I'm not.

Insecure Egomaniac

My life is sometimes very complicated...

(Stop laughing... you know who you are... Yeah, you.  The one who just had that "sometimes" flash through your head in your best mental wiseass voice, mental eyerolling included... )

I am a dichotomy. 

Yes, yes.  I know you're not supposed to use big words when you're blogging, but it's the one that works the best.  Sometimes I have to. 

Here's what I'll do....If I'm gonna use a big word, I'll link to it in the dictionary.  If you don't know what it means, click on it. 

Learn something.  It's like brussel sprouts.  It doesn't always taste good but you do it because it's good for you... well, unless it's cooked with bacon....Then it becomes delicious but not good for you....Mmmmm....bacon.

Sorry.  Shiny Object....

In many ways, now that I think of it, but in one way that's particularly irritating to me.... Here goes:
Ugly truth #1:  I am terribly insecure.

It's not that unusual.  Particularly for addicts.  Come to think of it, I'm not sure I've ever met an addict who isn't insecure.

I've spent my whole life looking for reassurances that I'm "enough."

Do I still want to drink?

I think that I'm going to do a series of posts based on questions that people have asked me about addiction.  Things that they've always wanted to know about addictions and were afraid to ask. 

If you have a question that you'd like to see me address, please let me know.  I'm writing a post every day, and hey, I can use the topic suggestions. 

No question is too stupid.  No question is off limits.  You can add it to the comments below or email me with the suggestion and you might see a blog post on it in the near future.

Normal drinking (at least that's what it looks like in my head)
bears absolutely no resemblance at all to how I drank. 
It's a little like when you see those
"drawing not to scale" disclaimers...

This first one, well, is first because I get asked it A LOT when people find out how long I've been sober....

Do you still want to drink?

The short answer is....not exactly.

Just No.

Well, this seems like it'd be a good companion piece to yesterday's post...

It's probably a good time to talk about saying "Yes" all the time.  It's not a good thing. 

Ugly truth:  I do it. 

All the time.  I've done it my whole life. 

When I wrote yesterday about not saying "no" out of hand to possibilities, I meant just that.  First, that I need to stop saying it just out of habit.  Just because that's the way I've always done things.  It doesn't mean that I should never say no. 

Clawing my way out of the rut



I'm ready to make the "switch"

 This is who I am. 

I can't change it. 

I don't like this thing. 

I don't like that thing. 

I can't do that.

It's just the way I am.

I can't change who I am, can I?

Wrong!

I say those sentences every single day. If not out loud, then in my mind.

And you know what?  I've been dead wrong...

Alchoholic Narcolepsy

The first thing that I have to tell you is that I'm generally a pretty motivated person (well, except for housecleaning... I seem to lack appropriate motivation to scrub toilets). I get stuff done. I raise 3 children ranging in age from 6 to 1 year old, pretty much alone. I run my own law practice.

But if there's one thing that I know to be true about being in recovery it's that the part of your mind that has the -ism just doesn't want to be fixed.

Gotta love those books!

It doesn't want you to know anything about fixing it, do anything about fixing it or read anything about fixing it.

Ever.

When I first got sober and couldn't sleep, someone from AA suggested that I read the Big Book.

Took me less than a chapter to be out cold (I suppose that's a bad pun for an addict, but it works so I'm leaving it). Works to this day... I'm not kidding.

Think you're an addict? Having trouble sleeping? Try it out sometime.

Fruit of my labor.

Ok, it's not really labor, but I did wait (very impatiently) for my very first tomato.  And it finally happened! 



RED!



Oops... Shiny... Be Right Back.

Ugly Truth Number...(what number are we up to anyway? 256?)....

Here's the thing....I'm easily distracted.  Particularly if I'm not all that interested in what I'm doing. 

It's what I like to call "shiny object syndrome".

I start doing something.  Then I remember something (like I just remembered that I should put the laundry in the dryer) or see something (like that cheese stick wrapper that one of the kids left on the table that NEEDS to go in the trash) that completely distracts me....


So, I was looking for a picture of someone who looked distracted....
And, well, I got...um....distracted....



Then I forget what I was doing in the first place.

Argh!

Truth Telling

How often do you lie?  No.  Really.  Be honest.

Do you consider yourself an honest person?  I know I do. 

I work very hard to tell the truth all the time.  Not just when it's convenient or easy for me. 

I'm honest even when it's hard. 

Even when it's nearly impossible. 
Even when it hurts me. 


Truth be told, I do try to make an exception about telling the whole truth to spare other people's feelings...

For example, if you bake a batch of turd flavored biscuits and think that they taste like cinnamon swirls, I'm not going to come right out, spoil your day and tell you that they taste like dog poop.

When Instant Gratification Simply Isn't Fast Enough

I know that I sound like a toddler when I say it, but I want it NOW!!!  

Don't get me wrong.  I think of myself as a very patient person. 

Well, most of the time. 

I have no problem patiently waiting in line at amusement parks, banks and supermarkets.  I have trained with the world champion of all marathon shoppers and can spend hours in a store looking for just the right outfit (though, admittedly, I do better when shopping for people other than me...). 

But there are times where I just can't stand the wait.  I know that waiting for a pot to boil, a seed to grow or a phone to ring won't make it happen.  That doesn't really seem to stop me from waiting though.

Apparently, I like banging my head against the table because maybe it feels good when you finally stop... At least I hope it does....

Why do it today if you can put it off until....

There are ugly truths about everyone. Addicts, non-addicts, it's a pretty worldwide problem. I am absolutely no exception. Much as I don't like to admit my flaws, I've decided to do it in a public way, because I never do anything halfway.

The first ugly truth about me is that I procrastinate.

Not just a little. A lot. About everything. About nothing at all. Just because.

Every addict that I've ever met is a master at procrastination. It's definately a symptom of the -ism (I'll discuss the -ism in a later post). I am certainly no exception.

Grey area? What's Grey area?

Here's the thing. I don't know whether it's true for all addicts, but I can't seem to do anything halfway. It drives me a little crazy. It drives some of the people who know me full on insane...

I see everything in black and white. I don't have grey areas in my life. I wouldn't know how to find a grey area if it bit me in the butt.

I either do something... Or I don't. It's like Yoda said, "Do. Or do not. There is no try." (Have I mentioned that I'm a bit of a geek? Try not to hold it against me...)

Anonymous No More

As this is the initial post, I guess I should introduce myself and explain why I'm here and what this blog is all about... So, here goes...

Hi. I'm Deena Fischer. I'm an addict and alcoholic. Have been one... well, as long as I can remember.... I got clean and sober more than 21 years ago.

Let me just start by saying that I'm not preachy. I don't drink or do drugs anymore. I can't. I suck at it. Truth be told, even this many years later, some days I wish I could.

You want to drink or do drugs... Please, by all means, go ahead. Stay off the damn road while you're doing it if you don't mind since I drive places with my kids, but it's not my business what you do other than that...