Don't sweat it. I'm nothing if not helpful...
|Bang! What's your favorite trigger?|
For many people, it's the smell of their favorite liquor on someone's breath.... Or a television ad that shows people enjoying your favorite frosty beverage....Or driving past the turn off in the road going to your dealer's house.
I don't really have the same triggers that I used to have. I don't care if people around me drink. I'm not a big fan of using drugs, but I don't care if I'm with someone who's high provided I don't have to see it or smell it.
Even though I don't have the kind of triggers that I first did when I got clean, every once in awhile, there's that smell, taste, sound or photograph that brings me right back.
I've actually been triggered twice in the last couple of weeks (Which is odd for me at this point. I usually don't have more than one or two instances in a year).
Maybe it's the amount of stress in my life... Who knows?
The first time was a few weeks back. I walked past my sons' bathroom and I could have sworn that someone had been smoking weed in there. The smell was there for days. And then, just as suddenly as it started, it disappeared. (Before you say, "Well, maybe it was your sons." please note that my sons are 6 and 4. I'm not saying it's completely impossible. I'm saying it's just not very likely...)
I'm pretty sure it was nothing at all. Sometimes my mind likes to play tricks one me.... Ok, often my mind likes to play tricks on me....But scent is an interesting thing. I don't much care for the scent of marijuana, but I could feel the Committee perk up. It was annoying, really.
The second time was Thursday evening. I was working on my posts for this weekend and I was searching for a picture for the "You might be an addict if..." post for Sunday. I was looking for a picture of drugs. And as I was looking, I started to feel tight in my chest. I felt a lump in my throat, I started to feel jumpy and my brain started churning. The Committee perked their little heads up and we started down memory lane....
Here's the interesting part. I never did heroin. I had (what I like to refer to as) a healthy fear of needles. I say "healthy" because I've always been convinced that this particular fear saved my life.... If I'd been willing to mainline, there's no question in my mind that I wouldn't be here today.
There's a good excuse to let your kids hang on to their fear of getting shots at the doctor if I've ever heard one....
But I digress.... Sorry, shiny object...
For me, triggering isn't what it used to be either.
I don't know if it's true for other people who have been clean as long as I have, but I'm not interested in using anymore. For me, it's about my brain setting off down a path that I'm no longer interested in exploring....
It's about the unsettled feeling more than anything else.
That's very different than someone who is newly clean and sober. If they trigger, there is a real danger of them relapsing. Even after a few years, it's tough for many people.
I'm just lucky.
In more ways than I can list, really....
Today, I can recognize the feeling. So, I shut the Committee up and tell on myself. I give my sponsor a call or I blog about it or tweet about it and, if that doesn't work, I take my ass to a meeting.
What do you do when you trigger?
Just Keep Coming Back
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