Be who you are

It's hard for me to admit it, but I'm not who I appear to be.  I've spent most of my life hiding who I am. 

Not just that I'm an addict. 

But much tougher stuff. 

I've spent my life trying to fit in.  To be accepted.

But I can't fit in.  I'm the original square peg when there are only round holes in this world. 

I don't remember ever not being "different." 

First of all, I'm extraordinarily tall.  I'm over 6' and have been this height since I was 12 years old.  Not exactly conducive to fitting in if you're a girl (or having anyone want to date you in high school, for that matter).  I also had buck teeth, frizzy hair and was a string bean until my 20s.  I was, to say the least, awkward looking.

But worse than that is that I'm extraordinarily smart.  (Wow, that's a hard sentence for me to write. I wonder why?)  It's not bragging.  It's true.  Not exactly the best way to fit in either. 

And I'm very sensitive.  I got my emotional ass kicked so many times growing up by my "peers" that I don't really know how I survived.  Actually, I take that back.  I know.

The part that I think people don't understand about being an addict is that you might think that I drank and used to "fit in". 

I didn't.

I drank and used to kill the pain.  I'm not sure that I have the words to describe it (which, for me, is a very odd thing) but I'll try... 

The pain is all consuming.  It takes over your mind, your heart, your soul... It's a sharp feeling of total emptiness. 

It never takes a day off.  Heck, it never takes a moment off. 

The Committee spends all of its time telling you how you'll always be different.  How no one will like you if they know who you really are.

I'm also a very good actress.  Most of my life, most of what people think they know of me is a lie.  (Not the facts, the personality...)  I've spent most of my life being a chameleon.

I've built a persona around me to protect myself.  I decided if I couldn't fit in that I would be cool and tough and sarcastic and different.  I'm not sure that I've ever really pulled off cool, but I have given it my best shot.  I've dumbed myself down to fit in with the rest of the planet.  I sometimes think that I even convinced myself that this is who I am.  The impression that most people have of me is that I'm tough, hard, sharp and cold. 

I'm actually none of those things. 

None of them.

I'm actually often vulnerable, scared and warm.  Just like most people, I think.

This is the actual phone that I carry.  Dorky, but I love it.
What's worse is that I actually thought about
taking a picture for the blog of the actual phone.
But my camera's on the phone...
Duh! [palm slapping forehead]

Ok, I am actually sarcastic.  But I'm also goofy and silly. 

I spent my life blending.  I've always been a chameleon.  I become what the person I'm with wants me to be.  Always.

I like the same music, I dress the part, I act the way I'm supposed to.  Because I'm afraid that if I'm me, if I show who I am, I'll be alone.

Again.

And every time I think that, the pain returns.

But when my marriage ended a couple of years ago, I made a decision.  I was going to be me.  Other people be damned. 

I got to learn what I like.  What I want.  Who I am.

And I'm ok with most of it. 

I'm a huge dork (see above picture for proof).  I'm goofy.  I'm nerdy. 

And you know what....Believe it or not, I'm actually pretty damn cool.  Just as I am.

Who are you, really?


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