The -ism



 This post is taking me a while to write, but it's the entire reason that I wanted to start writing about addiction. I want to be able to explain, in terms non-addicts can understand, what goes on in the mind of an addict.

I'm going to say a bunch of things in this series of posts (because it's really WAY too much information to put in a single post) that, if you're not an addict, you're not going to understand instinctively.

You're going to think that I'm putting you on. It sounds crazy. I must be joking about some of it.

I'm not.

The thing about being an addict that 's complicated to explain is that "the -ism", the part of the disease that's in my mind, wants to kill me.

It tries to isolate me from other people.

It tries to make me feel badly about myself and who I am.

It's a lot like having an abusive spouse, except it lives in my head.

I know that sounds ridiculously fatalistic, but it's true. It wants me dead. And won't be satisfied until I get there.

Scary, right?

I'm not a big fan. However, it's the way that I am.

There are lots of different components of the -ism, which I'll discuss in turn.

(Hey, I've written 12 1/2 posts so far, I've got at least 350-something to go this year...Gotta write about something....)

The first part of the -ism that I want to talk about is the Committee.

The Committee is not something that's taught or talked about to people in recovery (though there are certainly other people in sobriety who use the term "Committee" to describe it).  This though is kind of my own observation of the addicts that I know. It seems to be true for all of us...

If you're a "normal" person, you have one, maybe two, voices in your head. Usually, it's your conscience and your mother, but that's also just my observation. I guess they could be different. You also might refer to it as instinct, or gut reaction.

The point is that they pretty much agree and you can rely on them to tell you the right thing to do.

That's not how my mind works AT ALL.

Because, I'm an addict.

Don't be too jealous, I still have my conscience and my mom somewhere in there... But there's more than that.

Deep breath.

This is going to be one of those times, if you're not an addict, that you're going to read this and think, "Bullsh*%!"

Stick with me anyway. It's absolutely true.

I've never bothered to count the number of voices in my head, but there's a whole committee in there. And, no, I'm not schizophrenic.

They argue. They are really loud most of the time.

And here's the problem.

The -ism is one of the voices. And, as I said earlier, the -ism is trying to kill me.

Fun, right?

You know what the bigger problem is?

I'm never sure exactly which one it is. Though I imagine it sounds a little like the Bad Idea Bears from Avenue Q. (If you haven't seen it, do. It's about the funniest show I've ever seen. This has no video, only audio, but you'll get the idea...)

The Committee is full of voices. Differing opinions. I've always thought that it's likely that the -ism uses several of those voices, to throw me off the track, but that's just my opinion.

Here are some of the fun things that the Committee tells me (pretty much all the time):

It's all going to go horribly wrong;
You're not smart enough;
You're not good enough;
No one likes you; (Thank you SNL)
No one will ever accept you if they really know you;
No one will ever love you;
You don't deserve to be loved;
You're a fraud;
You're ugly;
You're fat;
The only way you're going to feel better is if you use;
You can't stay clean forever;
You can drink just one;
It'll be different this time.

Lies.

All of them.

I know that now. But it's still hard to ignore them. Even today. I believed it for so long that I'm programmed to believe those things. Even when I know it's not true.

I think that's a large portion of why I used. Not only did I feel so badly about myself because I believed everything that the Committee was telling me, but I also used to make the voices be quiet.

You see...when I used...the Committee had nothing else to say. That's the only time that they were silent. Ever.

After I was clean and sober for some time (and after some therapy), and after some work on myself, I made a stunning realization.

The Committee is not me.

Once I realized that, I was able to find a way to make them stop. Don't get me wrong...They don't stop all the time.

In fact, they're buzzing along in my head right now telling me that this post sucks. (Well, THEY would think so, wouldn't they?)

I've just learned not to pay attention to them. And when they get really loud, I'm strong enough now to tell them to shut up.

And most of the time, that works.


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