I'm going to say a bunch of things in this series of posts (because it's really WAY too much information to put in a single post) that, if you're not an addict, you're not going to understand instinctively.
You're going to think that I'm putting you on. It sounds crazy. I must be joking about some of it.
The thing about being an addict that 's complicated to explain is that "the -ism", the part of the disease that's in my mind, wants to kill me.
It tries to isolate me from other people.
It tries to make me feel badly about myself and who I am.
It's a lot like having an abusive spouse, except it lives in my head.
I know that sounds ridiculously fatalistic, but it's true. It wants me dead. And won't be satisfied until I get there.
I'm not a big fan. However, it's the way that I am.
There are lots of different components of the -ism, which I'll discuss in turn.
(Hey, I've written 12 1/2 posts so far, I've got at least 350-something to go this year...Gotta write about something....)
The first part of the -ism that I want to talk about is the Committee.
The Committee is not something that's taught or talked about to people in recovery (though there are certainly other people in sobriety who use the term "Committee" to describe it). This though is kind of my own observation of the addicts that I know. It seems to be true for all of us...
If you're a "normal" person, you have one, maybe two, voices in your head. Usually, it's your conscience and your mother, but that's also just my observation. I guess they could be different. You also might refer to it as instinct, or gut reaction.
The point is that they pretty much agree and you can rely on them to tell you the right thing to do.
That's not how my mind works AT ALL.
Because, I'm an addict.
Don't be too jealous, I still have my conscience and my mom somewhere in there... But there's more than that.
This is going to be one of those times, if you're not an addict, that you're going to read this and think, "Bullsh*%!"
Stick with me anyway. It's absolutely true.
I've never bothered to count the number of voices in my head, but there's a whole committee in there. And, no, I'm not schizophrenic.
They argue. They are really loud most of the time.
And here's the problem.
The -ism is one of the voices. And, as I said earlier, the -ism is trying to kill me.
You know what the bigger problem is?