The Ripple Effect

When I started writing this blog in August of 2011, I never thought that anyone would really read it.  I mean, my life and my views on sobriety aren't really that interesting....

Ok, I'm not going to lie, I hoped that people would read it.  I'm not going to say that I have no ego at all....

In my dreams, I hoped that I was talking to that one still sick and suffering addict out there who needed help.  To their families who needed explanation as to why their loved one was addicted and why they couldn't "just stop."

It's not until we step back that we see how our actions
impact the world around us...

It's my way of paying it forward to the community of people who gave so much to me and helped me to get
through one of the toughest times of my life.  And, not the least of which, I write to stay sober myself.

It's important to understand that addicts are never "cured".  It never goes away.  I've been clean and sober since I was 17 years old.  And it's never over.

No Regrets

Today I find myself picking up the pieces of my life again.  And although I'm shattered, I find the fact that I'm getting really good at it even more disturbing than the pain itself. 

It's a lot of pieces, but you can put them back togther...
And, besides, I've always liked puzzles...

Yes, even in sobriety, I have to continually pick up pieces of my shattered life...  Sorry, folks.  It gets better... But it doesn't get perfect.  But I digress...

Every time I pick up the pieces, I find that I'm able to keep my feet moving forward just a little bit easier.  To wake up the next morning and keep putting one foot in front of the other.  (Granted, having three small children needing you is motivating, but that doesn't stop a lot of moms from giving in to the depression.)

Want to know my secret?

It's pretty simple really....

I live my life with no regrets.

Some people say that you should learn to hold back a part of yourself.  To protect a part of your heart. 

But I'm a black and white kind of girl. 

If I'm in, I'm in.  I give 100%.  I give it all that I have.  Every single time.  Even though it means that I will be devastated when it ends.  I am a balls to the wall, full out, no guts, no glory kind of girl.

But you know what else it means? 

It means that I get to say, "I gave it everything that I have.  I could not have done more."  I don't have to regret a single second.  I don't have to regret that I didn't try harder, love more, give more.... Ever.

And I don't. 

And I believe with all my heart that there will come a day where I won't have to pick up the pieces.  Where taking that risk will bring me the reward that I want.

So, I'll keep taking that risk...living my life at 100%.  Pain or no.  But, for today, I'll keep taking deep breaths, keeping the hurt at bay, putting one foot in front of the other...

No regrets.

Just Keep Coming Back

Is Lance Armstrong an addict?

You know, I'm pretty understanding about drug use. 

I mean, I live in a glass house.  I have no right to throw stones. 

And I know, firsthand, how hard it is to stop when you're addicted.  I have a lot of sympathy for celebrities that get hooked and have to quit in the spotlight.  And those who can't. 

But I have to say, and maybe it's unfair of me, but this Lance Armstrong doping thing is beyond me.  I can't seem to find an ounce of sympathy in my heart for this man. 

And ordinarily, I wouldn't care.  In fact, Lance Armstrong wouldn't even end up on my radar (I know that it'll come as a big shock to you, but I'm not really into sports). 

Yeah, try to control your shock and outrage...

But someone in my Facebook feed referred to him as an addict. 

Now, I'm offended.

Are you kidding me?  He's not an addict.  He's a liar and a cheat, so I know that it might seem like the behaviour of an addict, but it's not addiction.

It's hubris. 

Plain and simple.

And I've got no patience for it.  He doped to win.  He didn't dope because he couldn't stop.  He was too proud to lose and wasn't good enough to win on his own. 

And that's just plain sad.

So, Lance Armstrong might be a drug user, a liar, a bully and a cheat... But he's not an addict.  Don't be fooled.  It's not at all the same.

As an addict that has earned my stripes, I don't want to be lumped into the category with him.  Ever.  I've got my own damn problems.  And they've got enough stigma of their own.  I don't need his too...


Just Keep Coming Back

Getting Thrown

I'm sure that I've said it before, but I'm a laizzez faire kind of girl.  If it makes you happy and it's not hurting other people, then please... by all means... have a great damn time...

But that doesn't mean that I understand some of the things that people do.

At all.

Nobody learns to ride if they don't
get back on the horse when they've been thrown.

Sometimes it's because it's outside my scope of experience.  Sometimes it's because I can't imagine making the decisions that the other person is making.  Sometimes it's because the person is out of their damn mind.... 

But I digress...

I've worked so hard on myself.  On getting sober.  On changing the underlying personality issues.  On getting past the hurts and scars of my past.

And in many ways I've been successful. 

But, in many ways, I haven't.... yet.

I'm a work in progress.  Probably always will be.

Which is why I don't understand people who choose to stay stuck.  People who know that they have a problem and aren't fighting tooth and nail to change it. 

Out Loud

I don't have secrets. 

I don't like them.

What are your biggest secrets?

I don't need them. 

I don't even like keeping birthday present secrets.

Now that's not really gonna come as a surprise to anyone who reads this blog that I don't have secrets.  I'm pretty damn open about my life and who I am.

I live my life out loud.  And I'm proud of it.

It's not an easy standard to live by.  You know, they say in AA that you're only as sick as your biggest secret.

So how sick are you?